Dec 14, 2008  •  In Books, Funny, Movies

‘Twilight’ Translated by Cracked

You already know my thoughts on Twilight.

I always thought I was in the minority for not falling head over heels for the story. That’s why it delights me whenever I find someone who agrees that it ain’t all that.

Cracked has written a hilarious post titled, If ‘Twilight’ Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest.

Fellow Twilight-naysayers, please join me in this merriment.

My favorite lines:

 

BELLA
Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own.

*****

DR. CULLEN
Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I’m the father figure of this family because I’m the one who turned them all into vampires. There’s something disturbing about the idea that I’ve only turned teenagers into vampires, but let’s ignore that.

 *****

BELLA (when asked “Tell us about yourself”)
Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.

 

However, the last lines have to be the best:

 

EDWARD
So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

BELLA
I love you. Put a baby in me.

EDWARD
At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

 

Enjoy!

(Even if you’re a fan of Twilight, you have to admit that this is pretty funny.)

One Response to “‘Twilight’ Translated by Cracked”

  1. Haha. Hysterical. I completely agree. I thought Twilight was awful and completely painful to get through. I actually read the Anne Rice vampire series as a teenager and found that totally thrilling and psychological, whereas Twilight insults my intelligence.

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