Jan 12, 2009  •  In Funny, Personal

Welcome Back, Mr. Bauer!

Hello readers! I am so sorry for being away for so long but I have a good reason: I have been working on a super secret undercover project. Well that’s not 100% accurate. But I have been working my arse off on a project which I hope to unveil on this blog soon. All I will say is, I’m very, unbelievably proud of it and it has tons of potential!

Tonight marks the start of another season of 24. In order to commemorate this momentous event, here are my 50 favorite Jack Bauer facts. Enjoy!

  1. If everyone on 24 listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 1.
  2. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
  3. Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
  4. Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
  5. When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
  6. There are two hands that can beat a royal flush: Jack Bauer’s right hand and Jack Bauer’s left hand.
  7. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  8. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
  9. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
  10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  11. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
  12. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  13. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  14. When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
  15. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
  16. Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re f***ing dead.”
  17. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef…then you better believe it’s beef.
  18. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  19. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  20. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
  21. Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
  22. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
  23. On Jack Bauer’s tax returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
  24. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
  25. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
  26. Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.
  27. Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.
  28. Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States…over Audrey Raines.
  29. Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
  30. Jack Bauer doesn’t have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It’s basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer’s PC. Ever.
  31. If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
  32. …and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”
  33. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  34. Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, “What’s your idea of a perfect game show?” He replied with, “I’m the contestant and I ask the questions around here.” Jeopardy was born at that moment.
  35. Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
  36. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
  37. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
  38. The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
  39. Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
  40. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  41. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  42. Jack Bauer doesn’t need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
  43. My husband doesn’t wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
  44. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.
  45. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  46. James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor.
  47. Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
  48. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that p*ssy went to the hospital first.
  49. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  50. Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”

One Response to “Welcome Back, Mr. Bauer!”

  1. This is hilarious! What a great way to kick off another season of 24!

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