Aug 20, 2009  •  In Entertainment, Funny, Movies

The Blunt Man’s Plot Summaries

postmodernbarney.com has a list of movie and television show plot summaries that you will simply not forget. Here are my favorites:

300: Gays kill blacks.

8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.

BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.

DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.

DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.

DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.

DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.

FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.

FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.

GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.

GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.

THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.

HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.

JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.

KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.

KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.

LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.

LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.

THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.

THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.

RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.

ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.

STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.

STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.

STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.

TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.

TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.

WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.

Sorry my “favorites” list is so long – it was hard to choose just a few because they’re so funny! If you have some spare time and are in need of a good laugh, be sure to read through the entire list.

The comments are full of great suggestions too:

AMELIE: Introverted girl stalks OCD man.

AMERICAN PIE: Apple pie goes bad.

THE DEPARTED: White writers/director takes idea from Chinese cinema and win Oscar.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND: Brain damage brings lovers together.

FINDING NEMO: After his mother and all of his siblings are brutally murdered, a youngster is kidnapped on his first day of school.

FRIENDS: A divorced paleontologist stalks a high-school crush for 10 years.

GREASE: Innocent new girl in school becomes skank to win popular boyfriend.

THE ITALIAN JOB: Hour and a half Mini Cooper commercial.

JURASSIC PARK: Sex change ruins tourists’ vacation.

KNIGHT RIDER: Man talks to car without Bluetooth

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: Brokeback Mountain for short people.

OFFICE SPACE: Lazy office worker gets away with massive embezzlement with help from an arsonist.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM: Drugs improve your life if you don’t overdo it.

THE SANDLOT: Neighborhood Gang Terrorizes Blind Man’s Dog.

SERENDIPITY: Fate destroys two happy relationships to create one.

THE SIXTH SENSE: Man refuses to vacate home of woman he is no longer married to, encourages young boy to talk to strangers.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS: Murderer denies guilt, is released.

WILLOW: Dwarf kidnaps, endangers infant

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