Oct 9, 2009  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

No Heartbeat

We did not get an ultrasound yesterday because this particular doctor did not have an ultrasound machine on premises. He had discovered the bleeding after a pelvic exam, and while he put me on bedrest, he advised us to get an ultrasound right away.

Luckily, we were able to get an appointment with another doctor this morning. I immediately liked her, and kept thinking inside my head, “We found our OB!” She was warm, energetic and friendly, and told me more about the pregnancy in 15 minutes of conversation than all my past doctor visits combined.

But as soon as the grainy image flickered onto the screen, I knew something was wrong.

“…there is no heartbeat…”

We had lost the baby.

 

Insurance Refuses to Cover the Surgery

I will be going to the hospital on Monday to get a surgical procedure called D&C. The tissue will be suctioned out and tests performed to try to determine the cause of the miscarriage.

The worst part of this entire experience has been the insurance. After we received the news and got some private time to grieve, the doctor explained to us what would happen and the administrative staff called my insurance provider to get the authorization for the procedure.

Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield is refusing to cover this treatment as well, stating that my need for a D&C stems from a pre-existing condition (aka the pregnancy). My doctor was livid, repeatedly saying, “But she NEEDS this procedure. It’s a surgery that requires a hospital bed, staff, equipment, and anesthesia!”

The cost of the D&C will run in the thousands of dollars. My doctor kindly offered to cut her own fee in half, but her cost is just a fraction of the total bill.

After hearing the news, all I wanted to do was go home and cry. Grieve in private. Instead, we had to sit in the doctor’s office for another half an hour while the staff continued to argue with the insurance company. A fight that they inevitably lost.

 

The Aftermath

This all happened in the morning. J and I came home, cried, and grieved together. I took a short nap, and am currently feeling slightly better. Which is to say that I am no longer bawling…rather, I feel numb. I feel completely numb and cold inside.

When I first found out that we had lost the baby (just a week before the start of my second trimester, no less), I quickly decided that I did not want to tell anyone right away.

However, as soon as I woke up from my nap I knew that I wanted to write. So here I am.

I continue to re-run the pregnancy in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think back to events that occurred years and years ago, asking myself if it’s possible that they could’ve somehow contributed to the miscarriage.

People say that a miscarriage is nature’s way of weeding out the weak and the deformed, and that it most likely happened through no fault of my own. However, it is difficult not to blame myself and consider myself less of a woman.

“Do you think our baby is in heaven?” I asked J.

“Of course. And we’ll get to meet him or her one day.”

72 Responses to “No Heartbeat”

  1. Oh, sweets. tears My first response to you got lost in the ‘net netherlands, so I’m back to let you know that you’re in my heart and prayers. I’m so, so sorry.

    Sometimes things don’t happen for a reason – they just happen because sometimes life sucks. And they don’t mean anything — not that you’re broken or less of a woman or anything — except that life sucks sometimes. You will meet your baby again, and in the meantime, you owe it to her, to yourself, to your husband, to make your way through your grief in your own time and your own way, mkay? Sometimes, the only way out is through, and the only way to survive is to keep breathing.

    {Gawd, how I hate to even mention insurance companies and hospitals and crap, but you can negotiate directly with the hospital if you’re a direct-pay. Please do… or if you’d like, I can call on your behalf. I am totally willing.}

    Prayers, hugs, and a glass of wine if you need it, ok? Be kind to yourself.

  2. Jillian:

    I am so sorry to read this post. Although we’ve never met in real life, I’ve “known” you and been rooting for you for the past two years and it breaks my heart that you are having to go through all of this right now. I am thinking of you and sending a world full of love and good thoughts your way.

  3. I’m so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you both.

  4. Oh dear girl, my heart goes out to you two. It isn’t your fault – you were a wonderful mama and you will be again.

  5. Snappy:

    I am so sorry, Jenny. I will be thinking about you and praying for you – many hugs.

  6. Jenny, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now. We will keep you, your baby, and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

  7. beka:

    I’ve loved reading about the joy and love you and your husband have for this brand new baby as I’m so anxious to have one of our own. I can’t imagine how devestated and let-down you feel. If anything helps, I can tell you that my mom had 3 miscarriages and went on to have 12 healthy births. I hope that can help you feel less worried about the future. I know nothing makes it easier or better right now. I hope that time allows you to grieve fully for the real child you carried inside you. And I hope that you find yourself stronger on the other side. Wishing you rest and love and a cup of hot tea.

  8. mindy:

    unni… I’m so sorry to hear about this….. but good to see you and J working thru this together in a positive way. I will keep you in my prayers.

  9. Hello
    Oh my god..I am so sorry for you.You have gone from so much pain.Sometimes I don’t understand that why god do this things with good people.I will prey for you.May god bless you.Wish you good luck for your life.

  10. Giovanna:

    i’m so sorry for you and your husband. truly are. i’ve been reading your blog for months (followed you from WB) and never commented before, but i couldn’t do the same with this post. i’ll be praying for you and your husband, and i hope everything will be resolved with your insurance company.

  11. Brit:

    I had no idea! Thinking of you both everyday! I know you’ll be blessed with a little one soon enough. Stay positive!

  12. I also lost a baby at about 14 weeks. We discovered at my 16 week check up that he had died. My body had not “miscarried,” so I too needed a D&C. I am so sorry. Yes, God has all the children who don’t make it to birth for one reason or another, and for those who die before they can understand right and wrong and choose right. I look forward to meeting mine and yours in the future. Enjoy the girls you have to hold, and take comfort your little one is with God. We name all our children, whether we get to hold them or not. My little ones with God are Snowflake (girl) and Ethereal Raindrop Half Moon (my husband chose his name and we call him Raindrop). We talk about them. They are real people we miss.

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