Oct 13, 2009  •  In Facebook, Personal

It’s My Internet Persona and I Choose to Overshare

Dear Friend,

I am sorry that blogging about my miscarriage has made you feel uncomfortable. I am sorry that you found it in bad taste for me to choose to share the post on Facebook where all my friends could see it.

But you know what? I found it damn therapeutic to write about it, and I will continue to write about it in the future. As for Facebook? Should I have kept it silent, let the news spread slowly via word of mouth, and continue to receive messages/wall posts on how the pregnancy is going? I felt that delivering the news en masse, no matter how impersonal, was the best method for me.

Yes, allow me to act selfish while I mourn the death of my 3-month-old child whose heartbeat I saw and heard, whose head, arms and legs…even its tiny feet, were distinguishable on the ultrasound.

If you do not like what you’re reading, just stop reading my blog. De-friend me on Facebook (or hide my feeds).

Just don’t tell me how I should grieve.

29 Responses to “It’s My Internet Persona and I Choose to Overshare”

  1. Apabs:

    You go girl you are in my prayers

  2. echan:

    I wasn’t criticizing you. Perhaps, I should have privately reached out to you and said, “Hey, I know you’re hurting, but for your own good, but your guard back up.” My post came out of a desire to be protective of you.

  3. tipperella:

    I didn’t read the comments after your last post. I was trying to figure out what I could say that would make you feel any better (came up with nothing…there aren’t any words I guess). Anyway, I’m floored that you would get negative comments from your last post.

  4. savannaleigh:

    I second the “you go girl” sentiment…it seems like the internet allows people to be so much more cruel than most ever would to your face because it’s so much easier. Keep you chin up and keep doing what you do :)

  5. Kelly:

    You have every right to grieve. Your blog post about the situation was thoughtful and not overly emotional at all. If anything, I thought it sounded honest, objective, and even hopeful at the end.

    I’m a big believer in honesty and transparency and I just want to thank you for sharing. It has given me a better understanding of others that have gone through the same ordeal. And if you hadn’t shared, I wouldn’t have known to keep you and your family in my prayers.

  6. Kendall:

    There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. I ‘m with you on how writing is absolutely therapeutic. Emotionally, sometimes it’s better to see all of your feelings and thoughts in print. LIke you’re releasing everything in a controlled, relaxing way. That probably makes no sense, but hopefully you kind of know what I mean.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You two are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Donna:

    I admire your strength to just be upfront and honest about it. I hid behind it and grieved and it was even harder when I was put in awkward public moments where one guy said “You gained weight. Are you pregnant?” and when I told him that I lost the baby, he said “What did you do wrong?”

    Be you and be strong.

  8. I’m just reading these posts now. I am so, so very sorry for your and your hubby’s loss. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

    I hope you continue to blog and be open about your experiences.

    Thinking of you….

  9. HUGS i’m sorry that people have been saying such hurtful things to you. you don’t deserve it and you should keep on writing. hang in there girl and sending lots of love your way. <3

  10. Tammy:

    Those who are criticizing you are not your real friends. Do what you need to do.

    You and your husband will emerge stronger after this. Sending you guardian angels…

  11. I am so sorry to hear about those comments. Do what is the best for you, take your time and grieve in your way. Sending you my love.

  12. AMEN! No one has a right to silence you.

    To your “friend,” I say, mind your damn business. You’ve overstepped your bounds by about a mile, and what you said was not caring, it was selfish, stupid, and hurtful. Get off your high horse.

  13. Hello
    Hey I am so sorry for you and I will definitely pray for you.I just want to say that feel free to express and share all you emotions with us.I hope god will do all good with you.God bless you for your further life.

  14. Meredith:

    Ew. I can’t believe people are saying mean things to you right now. We’re all here for you!

  15. What I don’t get is this: if it’s sad or meaningful, it’s oversharing? That’s crap, I’m sorry.

    Talking about the sadness and frustration related to miscarriages and health insurance isn’t oversharing – it’s life. It’s how some of us learn that we’re not alone, how we know to be thankful for what we have, how we are connected to each other even though we’ve never met.

    It’s not oversharing. It’s life.

  16. Jessica @ Acting Adult:

    I can’t believe someone would tell you that sharing this experience with your readers wasn’t ok! The nerve of some people. I’m keeping you in my prayers.

  17. Maybe your friend was just trying to protect you. There are negative consequences to sharing so much publicly, and that includes leaving yourself vulnerable to judgement and hurtful comments. You mentioned experiencing this for yourself just recently.

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned the value of discretion and keeping personal things, well, personal. Maybe I’m just burnt and jaded. But be careful, Jenny.

  18. Lily:

    Jenny, first – I should say that I am so so so sorry for your loss. Dont worry – you are still young. you guys can try again….. Regarding your post, you have EVERY EVERY right to write whatever you want. Its called free speech. If someone doesnt want to find out about your grieve (from whatever source) – they ARE NOT your friend. In a friendship, you should be able to not only share your joy but also the challenges and despair. In facebook lingo, you should be the one to defriend his/her/them. We love you. Please take good care. Cheer up. Lots of hugs, Lily.

  19. maybe your friend should google “how to help a friend that had a miscarriage”, cause I can bet not telling someone how to grieve would be #1. I’m so sorry Jenny, grieve how you need to, not how someone expects you to. <3

  20. Janet G:

    Everyone grieves in different ways. Completely understandable! However, perhaps it may isolate your friends to see you sharing with internet friends before being able to reach out to friends could perhaps have known you IRL? And perhaps those friends would provide you more comfort than you can ever imagine. It’s okay though to do whatever is comfortable for you, as you are the one who is hurting and it’s okay to put yourself first. Just my two cents. Hang in there!

  21. kay:

    Janet G – I think that’s a common mistake people make – thinking “Internet Friends” and “Real Friends” have to be or are separate. For some people, they aren’t. For example, I’ve known some of my “internet friends” for well over 10 years… they know just as much about me, if not more, than “real friends” do. And they offer huge support, come from more diverse backgrounds, and are generally less judgmental in many cases. She can really share it with whoever she likes, whenever she likes – that’s the beauty of being independent & responsible & an adult – she can make those judgment calls and no one needs to baby her or try to point out why she should have handled it otherwise (unless she asks them to). By the way, I’m not attacking you – just the general idea that some etiquette must exist between internet/real life – because for many people (like me) those two things are one in the same.

    I am so sorry again for your loss & grieving is soooo individualized. And unlike someone else suggested about putting your guard up, as a Counselor Intern that will be independently practicing in about a year – I can tell you that everything I’ve learned up to this point would say that is NOT a good idea. And could be very harmful.

    Talk about it all you want. Or keep it secret all you want. Do what you need to do, period. Get angry. Punch pillows. Scream, cry, and kick your feet. Eat junkfood. Take long baths. Stare at your ultrasound photos. Grieve. It’s okay. It’s normal. It’s expected. AND it’s healthy.

    If you ever need to talk more, you are welcome to email me. <3 We experienced a pregnancy loss as well and it took me about 6 months or more to really heal, and I still cry about it sometimes.

    Best wishes from an “internet friend” ;)
    hugs

  22. Nadine:

    Jenny….. You have every right to grieve however you want. I also posted my miscarriage on facebook too (they’ve since been deleted because I’m finally in a new much better relationship and he doesn’t need to know about that right now). And really it doesn’t make your real friends uncomfortable. They are the ones that will find the right words to say and make sure you’re doing okay. Take it one day at a time. You may ask yourself over and over why me. I finally came to the conclusion that my baby was smart. It knew that I was going through some hard times and A LOT o stress at work and being over worked, and that at the time I probably wasn’t going to be able to handle having a new little bundle of joy. I believe that when the time is right I will once again get pregnant and will hold my bundle of joy in my arms.

  23. Jen:

    You do what you need to do. I am glad you shared because I don’t think that “internet friends” and “real life friends” should be treated differently if you feel close to them. I think that if it is important to you to share with everyone, then you should do it. You do whatever you need to do to help yourself feel better.

    And to those who say the “friend” was just trying to protect you, I encourage them to read that post. It is hard to construe anything that was said in a protective or positive way, even if that was the intent. I am so sorry that you got negative feedback on your tragedy, it was certainly the last thing you needed.

  24. looch:

    I am so sorry to have read your news. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

  25. sally:

    amen! no one should tell you how to live your life… they won’t understand because they put themselves in your shoes (or what they think are your shoes.. ) you’ll be ok… because God is bigger than you can imagine and he will use all things for his good purpose… mourn and grieve but there will be joy after the mourning… you are very brave to share…

  26. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. As bad as it may sound, I stopped reading your blod/facebook/twitter because you had become pregnant, and I couldn’t stand to see another bee become pregnant after losing my two babies. In all that terrible bitterness though, I would never have wished this on you. I’m so, so, so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk, or have any questions about "what next?" please, don’t hesitate to ask. I’ve done enough reading and research to deserve an honorary RE certification.

  27. Jisoo:

    I am so glad I have stumbled upon your blog and this post. I have linked you on my own blog. God bless.

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