Nov 18, 2009  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

The Bloodstain on the Couch

Yesterday I got my first period since losing the baby. From reading other women’s experiences, I knew that it would be heavier than normal. I knew that it would more painful than normal. I had prepared myself for it…or so I thought.

The pain was excruciating, and my usual go-to remedy of Midol only dulled it some. Within the first few hours, I soaked through an entire pad and a tampon. The blood leaked right through my pants and onto our sand-colored couch.

Scrub. You failed as a woman.

Scrub. You failed as a mother.

Scrub. Your baby is dead.

No matter how long I soaked the stain, no matter how hard I scrubbed, it refused to come out.

The painful reminder of my failed pregnancy was set, fully visible right smack dab in the middle of the living room.

As if that weren’t enough, I received an email from an acquaintance asking how the pregnancy was going. “You must really be showing by now!” Delete.

Three women I know are due next month. Nine others next year. As happy as I am for them, I can’t help but feel saddened as I look down at my empty womb. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t become one of those women — the bitter ones whose sorrows overshadow others’ happiness. But as time go by, I am finding myself more and more like one each day. With each belly shot, each photo of baby purchases, I am reminded of our loss and I die a little bit inside.

The memory of that last ultrasound haunts me every night. The images of the fully formed body. The head, the limbs, even the tiny hands and feet…

And I have a horrible feeling that I will look at our future children and ask myself, “Why were they able to survive when our first didn’t?”

Yesterday I got my first period since losing the baby. Yesterday I lost my baby again.

13 Responses to “The Bloodstain on the Couch”

  1. sally:

    hello… your post totally broke my heart. i don’t understand how hard it is to have lost a baby because we’re still trying to get pregnant… but i hope that you will not become one of those women who let this become a part of them but that you will be able to rise above it. it will take time…. "We have to know, to be assured, that God so loves, cherishes, and delights in us that we can rest our hearts in him for our significance and security and handle anything that happens in life." (tim keller). May you know that despite this dark time… that God does delight in you and cherishes you… and that you will rest your heart in Him… so that you can handle this…. God bless…

  2. Lisa:

    I wish I could gather you up in my arms and give you the biggest, longest hug. Praying for you, dear.

  3. Turtle:

    Take your time to mourn, don’t try to be too strong. Give yourself time and spoil yourself a little. God Bless.

  4. Rae:

    The fact that women who lose their pregnancies must suffer physical pain in addition to the pain of the loss has always struck me as one of the least fair things in life. I am so very sorry.

  5. I wish I could give you a hug and help you right now. Have you tried peroxide yet?

  6. Stephanie:

    I have really appreciated how open and honest you have been through this whole series of events. Though I don’t know you and we may never meet, I feel like I could be a friend. I’m in college, and not married, but I wonder if I will be able to have children — I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling emotionally and spiritually because you have lost a child you did have. My heart goes out to you, and I will be praying for you and your husband and the future children I’m sure you will have.

  7. Oh Jenny, I’m thinking of you and sending healing prayers your way. I’m so sorry you’re reliving your loss again :(

  8. This post made my heart break for you all over again. I’m so sorry.

  9. Oh Jenny. I don’t know what to say and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing but I want to say something to let you know my heart goes out to you. Maybe that’s enough.

  10. Linda:

    All I can say is that my heart breaks for you and I am so very sorry!

  11. Anon2:

    I’m so so so sorry :(

    Glad to see Mrs. Shortcake in touch with you, I have found her blog to be very honest, open, and inspiring. I wish you all the best and hope you can find some small semblance of solace in others!

    <3

  12. Grace:

    While I’ve never wanted children, I think I can now understand how disappointing it must be for those that desperately want to grow their family and can’t for the time being. Your post made me cry and I am sure everything will work out in time. =)

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