Feb 7, 2010  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

Confessions

I confess that I still stalk the “Due in April 2010” message boards.

I confess that I still feel more comfortable in the “Trying to Get Pregnant” and “Miscarriage Support” groups.

I confess that I still get upset when I hear of acquaintances’ pregnancies — because I’m positive that they will go on to have healthy babies while I am bound to lose this one too.

Having a miscarriage was surely the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my 29 years of living. And it has no doubt changed me…I am not able to feel the joy and excitement of this pregnancy. I am not able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.

It has taken away my innocence.

I hope to myself that it will get better with time, that my fears will slowly dissipate with each new milestone, that I will once again be exuberant at being pregnant and not be so fraught with worry every second of my life.

At the same time, I also know that I have yet to experience the pure joy that I felt from day one of my last pregnancy. I am afraid that I am, and will continue to be, detached from this baby and never love it as much as I did with my first.

One thing is for certain. If this baby continues to grow and I am able to give birth to it without major complications, I know that he/she will be that much more precious. This isn’t to say that women who never experience miscarriages love their children any less; rather, they will never fully understand just how lucky and blessed they are.

Please, God, let this one live…

One Response to “Confessions”

  1. It got a little easier for me, after the first trimester. The first twelve weeks I was so on edge, trying to willl myself into staying pregnant, but I have found that now, half way through my pregnancy, I’m able to be happy and excited again. I’m experiencing things that I didn’t before, so even if it is tempered with the knowledge that nothing is guaranteed, I am able to enjoy the here and now. I belong to the "pregnancy after a loss" board on the bump.com, and really do subscribe to their mantra – "today I am pregnant and love my baby." If you concentrate on loving every "today," you may just find that getting excited for "tomorrow" will come naturally. One thing that I try to remind myself as well, is that just because we’ve lost babies in the past doesn’t mean anything will happen to our future babies – and worrying about every possibility only stresses US out – and doesn’t mean it will happen. I think we owe it to the babies we currently carry to give them a serene and happy gestation – it’s not their fault that something happened to their siblings, just as it’s not our fault. The pain never goes away, but it must and does fade. Your baby deserves to be celebrated with as much joy as you can muster – and it gets better as you go on.

    I also found that having special things on my due dates helped ease the pain. On my first due date I found out I was pregnant, and my second due date (feb 23), I’ll find out the gender of this baby. I still read the blog of a friend who had the same second due date, and talked her down out of her fears after I miscarried my second child. I still have moments of "what if" but they are few and far between now. Concentrate on this baby – the past is past, but today is a gift – that’s why it’s called the "present." (strums guitar)

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