Mar 31, 2010  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

As “That Month” Approaches…

I am officially in my second trimester and feeling great. I check my baby’s heartbeat with a fetal doppler every few days and know that it’s doing okay.

But as “that month” approaches, I can’t help but be depressed.

The nursery would be almost fully prepared. I should be waddling around with my stomach “out to there.” I would have been excitedly awaiting the birth of my little one in just a few weeks, not months.

The month of April will be hell for me; I just know it. J will be busy at work with the big project that isn’t scheduled to finish until the next month. My in-laws have decided to visit for 1.5 months so I will be extra stressed out. We will be attending our university’s homecoming and a family wedding — both of which I had been planning on attending with a fully pregnant belly — with barely a belly pooch.

Is it wrong for me to feel so sad and jealous of the women who are planning to give birth soon? Because it sure does feel like it. Like I’m betraying them, and the baby currently inside of me.

April will be a month of grieving and mourning. April 22 will be especially dark and lonely. So please don’t mind me if I act extra moody and emotional, or even disappear for days on end in the upcoming weeks.

9 Responses to “As “That Month” Approaches…”

  1. grieve as you need to. cry, yell, kick, write, listen to music – whatever you need to do to get through it. <3 you’re so blessed right now, though, that i know your blessings & good fortune will help pull you through this dark time.

  2. Sunny:

    Jenny, your baby is going to be extra special to make up for the baby that you missed last time. :)

    My mom had miscarried a baby before me, so I would have turned out to be the younger child if that baby had been born. I think that’s why ppl tell me I act more like a younger sibling, hehe. And my brother wouldn’t be here? I dunno, but that’s a sad thought. Anyway what I mean to say is look forward to celebrating the birth of this little one, and more in the future. I know it’s cliche but maybe some things happen for a reason because God has a special plan for you and your family.

    See you next week. ^^

  3. MrsW:

    I have a friend whose 1-year anniversary of the birth and death of her twins is occurring this year on Easter Sunday. She mentioned that even though, like you, she’s still grieving, that it is comforting to her that this first anniversary she’ll not only be remembering the pain of death, but the promise of resurrection. I hope that can comfort you as well.

  4. I can understand your anxiety.. but don’t forget to live in the moment.

  5. Ed:

    We know exactly how you feel. We had an mc back in Oct ’07 very early in the pregnancy. Around the time that we had been planning to announce our pregnancy, my younger brother and sil announced their pregnancy at exactly the same point. It was very hard to go through the next 6-9 months as they gave birth to the first grandchild in the family. But like your story, it has a happy ending as we got pregnant again around the time of my nephew’s birth and gave birth to our own son in April last year. While we do think of his "older sister", we are so much more focused on our son and the joy that he’s brought that it’s hard to be sad about what could have been. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy and keep the chin up.

  6. I’m sure it’s really difficult, and I was honestly very sad when you first announced your loss, but I think it’s really quite inspiring and comforting how honest you have been through the whole process. I think blogging allows a lot of anonymity, and you seem to avoid that, without seeming like you are "oversharing". I’m not having children any time soon, but Iwill definitely remember everything you have gone through when that day comes! Praying for you, as usual.

  7. Take the time you need to grieve. Our friends are pregnant again after their baby girl was taken from this world. They offered great insight when they said how they grieve for her, but are also taking time to celebrate every milestone with their new little bean.

    We’ll all be surrounding you with love and prayers from afar :)

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