Apr 13, 2010  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

The Obligatory TMI Post

Note: Due to reader requests (and some confusion on both me and my readers’ sides), I have decided to combine all posts from baby.geekinheels.com to my main blog here at geekinheels.com. I apologize in advance to anyone who feels put off by the plethora of pregnancy posts, and for any inconvenience this may cause anyone. Thank you for reading!

* * * * *

If I could summarize my pregnancy thus far, it would be:

1st Trimester: Fatigue, exhaustion, and lethargy. Very minor nausea. Major weight gain and bloating.

2nd Trimester: More energy. No nausea at all. Weight gain has tapered (I haven’t gained any weight in over 6 weeks!). Embarrassing body changes.

So what are these body changes? Glad you asked. (And prepared to be grossed out!)

National Geographic breasts.

I’ve already written of my porn star boobs. Well, today I noticed something else: my areolae are at least 1/3 larger, and have darkened considerably.

…And from what I hear, they will grow more grotesque as the pregnancy progresses.

I have always disliked my full breasts because I stuck out like a sore thumb among my friends with perky A-cups. Now, I’ve grown to hate them. None of my shirts fit anymore unless they are made of stretchy fabric. Shopping has become a nightmare because if I find something that fits my chest, it is loose everywhere else.

The worst part is that my breasts seem to be everywhere. They are constantly in the way and I’m always knocking things over with them. I am not kidding when I say I feel like this:

Most women look forward to the breast enlargement that pregnancy provides (I have many friends who have gone from A-cups to C, even D-cups). I had been dreading this ever since middle school Health class, and it seems like my fears were fully warranted.

Hemorrhoids.

I have never had hemorrhoids before. So when my ass started itching like crazy a couple of weeks ago, I thought I had gotten an infection.

I managed to get out a hand mirror to check out my nether regions… (I haven’t done this since I entered puberty and became curious as to what my hoo-ha looked like.)

…and discovered two bumps along my a-hole.

Pregnancy had given me the worst constipation of my life. And apparently, it invited its cousin, hemorrhoids, along for the ride.

My first instinct was to hide myself in shame. I even kept my condition a secret from J for a few days, using cold paper towels to calm my itchy ass.

But I couldn’t stand it anymore. I caved, and bought these:

Tucks Medicated Pads are a godsend for hemorrhoids. I didn’t even bother with Preparation-H or any other cream stuff, because the pregnancy boards all raved about these.

Luckily the hemorrhoids went away after about a week. I thought I was in the clear, but nooooo. My body had even more fun stuff in store.

Yeast infection.

So by now you’re probably thinking that I’m a nasty girl who barely cleans her cooch.

This can’t be further from the truth, because I have been diligent about keeping my girl parts clean ever since I found out I was pregnant. I had read all about how my immune system would go down, and how I would be more susceptible to infections and problems “down there” as a result of the pregnancy, so I always made sure to keep my vajayjay and its surrounding area sparkling clean.

But mid-last week, as my hemorrhoids were finally retreating, I started itching again…except this was further up.

Again, I had never had a yeast infection before, so I had no idea what this could be.

After a couple of days of scratching myself like a bored baseball player scratching his balls through an entire inning, I went to the store and bought myself a tube of Vagisil.

A funny story about my Vagisil purchase. I had the wondrous luck of approaching the Walgreens counter just as the cashier ran out of dollar bills. So I stood there with my box of Vagisil out on display for all to see as the cashier called for a manager. Then the manager took his sweet time to come to the register, surveyed my purchases, gave the cashier the correct change, and helped her ring my purchase again as the last one had gotten canceled. All while the line behind me continued to grow longer and everyone kept sneaking up to see what was taking so long. I. Was. Mortified.

Back to the story. So although Vagisil helped a lot, I realized that I was only treating the symptoms and not the source.

I quickly discovered that what I had was a common yeast infection (eww), and that Monistat 7 would be the best best (the 1 or 3 day kinds are not safe for pregnancy).

So this morning, I sucked it up and visited the same Walgreens where I bought the Vagisil for some Monistat 7.

Do you see where this is going? Why didn’t just I drive the extra 5 minutes to go to another pharmacy? Because one humiliating experience would be enough for the week? Wrong. Apparently, the gods of embarrassing feminine purchases saw that I had not yet met my quota.

So I calmly walked up to the cashier with my Monistat 7. She barely glanced at the box and scanned it in.

It rang up as $34.95.

“Excuse me, that can’t be correct. I’m sure that it costs less than $12.”

I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and paid the extra $23. Because the cashier then took the microphone, and yelled: “PRICE CHECK ON MONISTAT 7! REPEAT, PRICE CHECK ON MONISTAT 7!”

And as if that weren’t bad enough, a clerk shouted back, “DO YOU WANT THE VAGINAL CREAM OR THE COMBINATION PACK?”

“COMBINATION PACK WITH TRIPLE ACTION SYSTEM!”

The good news was that I was correct about the price. The bad news? Well, it’s pretty obvious, don’t you think?

I can’t wait to see what else this pregnancy has in store for me.

But I’m not complaining. And I’m being 100% serious here. Despite all these TMI problems, I’m still elated to be pregnant and to have my baby growing and flourishing inside of me.

18 Responses to “The Obligatory TMI Post”

  1. Aw, I’m glad you decided to combine the posts. I don’t mind reading and don’t worry, it’s your blog you can write whatever you want.

    And can I just say, LOL. You’re so funny, I can picture myself doing some of the same stuff. Expecially the pharmacy one… LOL.

  2. Adrienne:

    Haha, thanks for being brave enough to share! :P

  3. Omg, the Walgreens anecdote made me chuckle!! I actually had no idea what hemorrhoids were and had to google it just now.

  4. birdie:

    wow! i had no idea that pregnancy can be so troublesome. but i would go through the same things for my baby too. hang in there and ty so much for sharing these rarely known info.

  5. mindy:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA unni i laughed out loud reading your post… so descriptive and personal, i feel like we’re right back at jhu and talking about the girl stuff again… haha ;)

  6. Tara:

    Ha, I did literally "LOL" at the price check. Sorry to hear about your woes, though in a weird way it’s kind of cool being in a secret sisterhood with all the other mamas who have suffered the same indignities over the generations….

    Tucks Pads are awesome and will come in handy after the birth as well. And on the constipation front, I recommend either good old prunes, or psyllium fiber capsules (such as Metamucil). Not sexy items, but better than dealing with the consequences of not having them!

  7. Lyzz:

    My goodness I have all of the above, except for the breast thing. Mine had grown, but nothing too crazy…

    For my yeast infection, I also treated with Monistat 7. However, I just sent husband in to do the dirty work. I figured if I have to go through all these indignities, he could at least suck it up and buy me some remedies.

  8. baeshinja:

    i LOVE your blog and your posts, because i write my comments as i’m ROFL each time. i swear you’d be the funnest / funniest girlfriend ever =) congrats again..!!

  9. I would have died. Seriously would have died – thank god for cvs.com

  10. I would have died. Seriously would have died – thank god for cvs.com

  11. Emily:

    Oh wow that was hilarious!! Thanks for sharing! =]

  12. Sunny:

    http://www.drugstore.com for your future drugstore needs that may require anonymity. :)

  13. Geek in Heels:

    @Tara — as soon as I discovered that what I had, was in fact, hemorrhoids, I stocked up on Benefiber and have been taking it since. My constipation has gotten MUCH better. :-)

    @Chelsey & @Sunny — I considered buying online, but I couldn’t wait for it to be shipped, even if overnight!

  14. Oh Jenny, you crack me up. That was totally disgusting and TMI, but at least I feel a bit more prepared for when I ever get pregnant! (I’m an A cup, but to be honest, I’ve finally reached a stage where I’m happy with that…I don’t want to be gaining two cup sizes…)

    and OMG that boob photo was traumatising! Where the hell did you find it??

    I get thrush sometimes (not sure how similar that is to a yeast infection. I buy the meds online because, well, yeah, I’m too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy.

  15. Jenny – the areola thing – probably will get worse. Mine are like triple the size, and are SO DARK. Your nipples will get bigger as well – and will probably start leaking colostrum before you give birth. Mine started leaking at 16 weeks, and only get worse. :)

  16. :) Hilarious (for us, anyway!) about the Walgreen’s price check!

  17. Natalie Sudborough:

    LOL!!! Classic! Thank you so much for the much-needed hilarity. Makes me feel the tiniest bit less sorry for myself for being single and childless.

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