Oct 13, 2011  •  In Claire, Motherhood, Personal

Purposely Distancing Myself from My Daughter

With less than 3 weeks to go before my due date with BebeDeux, I have been slowly making preparations for our new life as a family of 4.

The hardest part of this transition has had to do with Claire. Because for the past couple of weeks, I have been purposely spending less and less time with my firstborn.

I know that she is in good hands with J’s parents. And while I wouldn’t be lying if I were to say that I have been enjoying getting some extra rest, it is becoming more and more apparent with each passing day that Claire has grown less attached to me.

I may even go as far as to say that I am no longer her favorite person.

For the first time in her life, she will stretch her arms out to others when I am holding her. For the first time in her life, she does not cry when someone takes her from me. And for the first time in her life, she no longer cries when I leave the room.

I am happy that Claire is growing more independent. I tell myself that this is for her own good, so that the transition to having a younger sibling at such a young age — they will only be 13 months apart! — will not be so traumatic for her.

But I can’t help but be a bit sad at the same time.

I hope that one day, she will read these words and understand that I only have the best intentions for her.

12 Responses to “Purposely Distancing Myself from My Daughter”

  1. Fiona:

    Hi Geek in Heels! I’d just like to come out of lurking and say that I think you’re one of the most self-aware or obviously self-aware new parents I read about. Your parenting choices seem like great ideas that are sincere, well-thought-out, and almost always with your baby’s well-being in mind. This post seems especially forward-thinking! (But I’m not TTC or pregnant or a parent, so this stuff is always a surprise!) Thank you for your consistent honesty and I really hope your second delivery goes well.

  2. cil:

    This post made me teary eyed. It sounds like you’re being a really good mom and with motherhood there will be so many more sacrifices you will have to make, that your children will not understand. In the long run when your daughter grows up she will know you as one of the strongest women in her life! Not sure how other parents would react to “distancing” yourself from your daughter, but it seems like a very Korean thing to me… I’m Korean-American and preggo for the first time at 25 weeks!

  3. What Fiona said! If only I was that articulate : )

    Of course she will understand. And will have been happy to get a sister out of it! : ) Hang in there Mama!

  4. Aww. You’ll always be her favorite person. :)

    When I was a kid I didn’t spend much time with my mom either but she was always around for my bedtime so my dad said I always looked forward to that.

    That’s a really solemn photo of Claire though.

  5. Mina:

    oh, i can imagine how this transition is hard, but i’m so impressed with you for making this difficult but brave decision that is for the benefit of claire. it’s so sweet (if a bit bittersweet)!

  6. Christine:

    You’re an amazing mommy. I hope you realize that! I love reading your blog and hearing about your parenting style. I feel it’s the most “real” experience I read out there. I despise reading parenting books because they only make me feel like a terrible parent. I like your view points.

    So yeah, I think you’re amazing. Don’t feel bad if Claire no longers finds you her favorite. I leave almost weekly for days at a time for my job and I come home to a child who won’t even let me hold him for ONE FULL DAY (he’s very resentful!!) when I’ve been travelling. It takes time, but I hope when he grows up, he’ll realize I had to leave to work to give him the life he has. I only hope he can appreciate it later instead of being forever resentful.

    Keep up the good work, mommy!

  7. Waile:

    I’ve been checking your site everyday to see if you go into early labor like Bee…
    This post made me teary eyed. You are such a great mom and I hope know that Claire will understand. You’re doing the right thing, it’ll be easier on the whole family if Claire is not clinging to you while you are trying to feed, change, etc. babydeux. Hang in there!

  8. serena:

    You’re such a great and sincere, honest mom. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember Claire’s still very young and babies are quick to forget or too young to development feelings of deep rooted resentment. If not that, once baby #2 is in the picture, there will be a whole new “normal” that Claire will adjust to and it’ll be just as great and close knit. Hang in there… you are awesome sauce. :)

  9. I read something very wise when I had my second, and my third and then my fourth. The baby won’t remember that she cried one minute longer, but your older child will. It served our family well.

    p.s. my sister and I are 10 months apart, I obviously don’t remember a time without her. Such a blessing!

  10. I can really appreciate this because my mother has told me before that when she came home with my brother (also 13 months apart), I had forgotten who she was and was very shy towards her. I think this hurt her.. but children are forgetful, especially when they are so young. And that moment passed by very quickly! It wasn’t long until we were vying for mommy’s attention again.. :)

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