No Heartbeat
Friday, October 9, 2009 at 3:40PM We did not get an ultrasound yesterday because this particular doctor did not have an ultrasound machine on premises. He had discovered the bleeding after a pelvic exam, and while he put me on bedrest, he advised us to get an ultrasound right away.
Luckily, we were able to get an appointment with another doctor this morning. I immediately liked her, and kept thinking inside my head, "We found our OB!" She was warm, energetic and friendly, and told me more about the pregnancy in 15 minutes of conversation than all my past doctor visits combined.
But as soon as the grainy image flickered onto the screen, I knew something was wrong.
"...there is no heartbeat..."
We had lost the baby.
Insurance Refuses to Cover the Surgery
I will be going to the hospital on Monday to get a surgical procedure called D&C. The tissue will be suctioned out and tests performed to try to determine the cause of the miscarriage.
The worst part of this entire experience has been the insurance. After we received the news and got some private time to grieve, the doctor explained to us what would happen and the administrative staff called my insurance provider to get the authorization for the procedure.
Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield is refusing to cover this treatment as well, stating that my need for a D&C stems from a pre-existing condition (aka the pregnancy). My doctor was livid, repeatedly saying, "But she NEEDS this procedure. It's a surgery that requires a hospital bed, staff, equipment, and anesthesia!"
The cost of the D&C will run in the thousands of dollars. My doctor kindly offered to cut her own fee in half, but her cost is just a fraction of the total bill.
After hearing the news, all I wanted to do was go home and cry. Grieve in private. Instead, we had to sit in the doctor's office for another half an hour while the staff continued to argue with the insurance company. A fight that they inevitably lost.
The Aftermath
This all happened in the morning. J and I came home, cried, and grieved together. I took a short nap, and am currently feeling slightly better. Which is to say that I am no longer bawling...rather, I feel numb. I feel completely numb and cold inside.
When I first found out that we had lost the baby (just a week before the start of my second trimester, no less), I quickly decided that I did not want to tell anyone right away.
However, as soon as I woke up from my nap I knew that I wanted to write. So here I am.
I continue to re-run the pregnancy in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think back to events that occurred years and years ago, asking myself if it's possible that they could've somehow contributed to the miscarriage.
People say that a miscarriage is nature's way of weeding out the weak and the deformed, and that it most likely happened through no fault of my own. However, it is difficult not to blame myself and consider myself less of a woman.
"Do you think our baby is in heaven?" I asked J.
"Of course. And we'll get to meet him or her one day."
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Reader Comments (71)
omg.. girl... i'm sooo sorry to hear that... please let us know if you need ANYTHING!! (more time, food, or whatever...) i will be praying for you guys...
I'm so, so, sorry Jenny. hugs I will be praying for you, J, and your little one too. :(
I wish I could offer you more than just virtual hugs and virtual friendship. I am so sorry that this happened.
Jenny, you are in my thoughts and prayers... I wish I could offer more support than that. HUGS.
Jenny, I'm so so sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking about you & J during this difficult time. Hugs.
Oh Jenny. I have never met you, but want to wrap my arms around you. It is so evident how much both of you already loved this baby. Keep your trust in God and I will be praying for you as you walk this difficult journey.
I found your blog from Weddingbee and have been lurking for awhile. I was pregnant as well and was very excited to follow your pregnancy - you and I were just about the same in terms of due date (mine was 5/4/2010). I had my first OB appointment last week (at 9 1/2 weeks) and had the same thing happen, no heartbeat. I just had my D&C yesterday. I'm sorry that this is happening to you - it is devastating and I am so sorry that you have to think about things like money and insurance. This should only be about you, your husband and your grieving. I don't have much advice to offer, but you and your family are in my thoughts.
Echoing what everyone else has said. My heart is broken for you. Sending you all the love, hugs, and strength I have.
I have never met you IRL, but I just want you to know how seriously sorry I am.
I am really.. really sorry. hug
Jenny, it is most important for you to remember that this is not your fault -- you did not cause this miscarriage. Placing the blame on yourself will only make the entire process so much harder... and it is so, so hard to begin with. I am so, so sorry you have to go through this.... you and J are in my thoughts. Many hugs.
My sympathies to you and your husband on this devastating loss.
Some ideas for how to handle the aftermath: Have you considered contacting Planned Parenthood about the D&C? If that is an option, they may be less expensive than a hospital.
Another possibility is that most hospitals have hardship/charity funds you may qualify for. Otherwise, they may allow you to pay in increments over time (I did this when I needed to be hospitalized as poor graduate student).
There are also health care credit cards that offer low or no interest payment periods (I used this to finance $2500 of orthodontic bills- again as a poor grad student).
Best of luck. I will be keeping you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry to hear - such a painful thing to go through and to have to deal with the cruelty of insurance - it's so unfair and downright evil to add to your burden at this time. Wrap yourself in the love of your family and friends and please take very good care of yourself.
so sorry for your loss...it was obvious you loved the baby so much...wishing you and your family peace during this difficult time.
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. I hope the heartbreak heals enough to let you stop blaming yourself, and I hope the stories of people who've had miscarriages and then gone on to have healthy, happy babies gives you the courage to try again. (And I hope the insurance company rots in hell. That is absurd and cruel.)
There are never the right words for these times. Having seen a close family member go through this all I can offer is that it does get easier, but you must allow yourself time to grieve. My thoughts are with you and your loved ones.
Jenny, my heart really goes out to you. I lost my first baby 10 weeks into the pregnancy - same way as you...I went in for an ultrasound but started spotting and didn't have a heartbeat. Take your time and grieve - the empty feeling eventually goes away and I pray for you and your husband to find comfort with each other.
I am so so sorry. hugs
I am so sorry. Will definitely be praying for your entire situation.
im really sorry to hear that. my thoughts are with you and your family. hugs
I'm so sorry for you - I know I don't know you in real life, but I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking of you, and if my thoughts can help, they are certainly with you and your husband.