Four years ago today…

Happy anniversary, my love. It’s been nothing short of wonderful.

Thank you to all who have been checking in with me. I am currently at my parents’ house with Claire and Aerin, and will stay here for at least a month. (J is living alone in our condo, driving up on weekends to spend time with us.) Things are expectedly very hectic as we adjust to our new living arrangements — e.g., no cribs for the girls — and life in the suburbs. I will try my best to return to blogging as soon as life slows down some.

Tomorrow is a big day for us as Claire and I will be checking out an in-home daycare just a few houses down from us. Wish us luck!

A couple of months ago, I was making conversation with a nice, elderly lady at church. And typical of mothers who do not know each other well, we defaulted to the topic of our children.

“Just thirteen months apart? That must be tough!” she exclaimed when I told her about Claire and Aerin.

“Yes, but everyone tells me that these first couple of years will be tough, but that it will be soooo worth it after that,” I replied. “How about you? How many children do you have?”

“Four. And they were all born right after the other, which was not uncommon back in those days. At one point, we had four under five!”

My eyes bulged out from their sockets. And here I was, thinking I had it rough!

“Any tips for a new mother?” I asked.

“Just take it one day at a time. But other than that, I’m afraid I don’t have much advice. Those early years were so hard that I seemed to have blocked a big chunk of it from my memory.”

I nodded understandably. My mother too, has trouble recalling the most difficult parts of her life. She calls it biological amnesia.

“Oh! But I do like to offer up a piece of advice to all married couples!” the lady continued. “Always put your marriage first, because without it, your kids wouldn’t even exist. Take periodic breaks from your children and just enjoy each other. Be sure to have regular date nights.”

“My husband and I used to have monthly date nights. But now, even that is difficult…” I responded.

“No, that’s not good enough. In the forty years of our marriage, my husband and I had date nights every Friday night. And we’ve only missed it six times.“

And that’s when my jaw dropped.

I remember mentioning this story to J and suggesting that we start having regular date nights again. But no actual plans were ever made, because we always seem so busy and so tired.

But a funny thing happened last month. As we were preparing for his parents to return to Hong Kong, as we began to mentally prepare ourselves for the long tough road ahead of us, we began to have weekly date nights every Friday or Saturday night. We never planned this — it was almost as if we had an unspoken agreement between us, to take one night out of the week to have a nice dinner, just us two, to simply enjoy each other.

The surf and turf we enjoyed this past weekend

We do not have babysitters; we do this after putting the kids to bed so oftentimes, we don’t even start eating until after 9pm. Our meals are not too fancy (it is usually steak, because it is easy to make and we both love a good steak), but we make it a point to use our good china and crystal stemware. Sometimes, we don’t even sit at the table. For example, this past Saturday we had our surf and turf sitting on the couch in front of the TV, watching the Knicks vs Pacers game. But we made sure to keep talking to each other, remembering how a shared love for the Knicks helped bring us together in the first place.

These past couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for us. Aerin is full into her 4-month sleep regression, and as a result both J and I average only about 4 hours of sleep per night. Claire is being extra clingy and moody, and we feel that this stems from her grandparents leaving — it is only understandable that our little girl would miss them and is acting accordingly. Add also the fact that Aerin is becoming extremely attached to me, which is not only tiring for me, but frustrating for J because she won’t even allow others to feed her or give her baths.

Even after we put the girls down for the night, I am usually running around doing chores while J continues working (since he needs to be home before 7 every night to help me put the girls to bed, he almost always never finishes his work at the office) — sometimes until 2 or 3 in the morning!

But for those two precious hours a week, we are no longer parents or employees. We are simply husband and wife, remembering why we said “I do,” planning for our future, and taking a step back from our busy lives to enjoy each other’s company.

Welcome to today’s installment of Reverent Sundays, where I write about an aspect of my faith. This can deal with recent books I have read on Christianity, my thoughts on religion and current issues, as well as particular messages I find touching and/or powerful. I am aware that most of my readers are not religious, and that is fine — you are more than welcome to not read these posts if they make you uncomfortable, enrage you, or bore you to tears. I am open to debates and discussions in the comments section as long as everyone remains respectful. Enjoy!

A few weeks ago, an article in RELEVANT Magazine titled “The Secret Sexual Revolution” ignited much talk among the Christian blogs and online magazines I read. The premise of the article is that more and more unmarried Christians are having sex — with the latest numbers citing about 80% of Christians who identify themselves as “evangelical” having had premarital sex.

Of those 80 percent of Christians in the 18-29 age range who have had sex before marriage, 64 percent have done so within the last year and 42 percent are in a current sexual relationship.

So why are the numbers so high? Why is there little to no difference in how Christ followers and non-Christ followers handle themselves when it comes to sex before marriage? Is this some sort of new sexual revolution or are we just more open about it in today’s culture?

The article goes on to theorize (emphases are my own):

The mediaʼs marketing of sex, the cultural endorsement of the “do what feels good” mentality, the prevalence of pornography and the widespread misunderstanding of sex that prompts people to chase after love and acceptance in unhealthy physical relationships are all factors that make it difficult to practice chastity. The reality is chastity is not the norm. And such a discipline is certainly not easy.

Godʼs picture of sex and marriage is certainly a beautiful one, but itʼs also … old. Biblical times were a lot different than current times. Is such a picture still relevant?

Scot McKnight, author of One.Life and professor in religious studies at North Park University in Chicago, is aware of the difficulties facing unmarried Christians and the shifts in the “reality” of living chastely.

“Sociologically speaking, the one big difference—and itʼs monstrous— between the biblical teaching and our culture is the arranged marriages of very young people. If you get married when youʼre 13, you donʼt have 15 years of temptation.”

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age for first marriages for both men and women has been increasing for the last 45 years. In 1965, the average man first married at age 22.8; the average woman, 20.6. In 2010, the average age was 28.1 for men and 26.1 for women.

Abstinence messages have often been geared toward teenagers, but as the average marrying age creeps closer to 30, the time period when Christians are called to be chaste can easily extend a decade beyond their high school graduation—or much longer. So what does abstinence look like as Christians “grow up” and enter the real world but are still single?

“Itʼs absolutely not realistic,” McKnight continues. “But itʼs also not realistic not to do a lot of things, and that doesnʼt mean the Bible doesnʼt tell us the ideal and design of God is to not have premarital sex.”

As young Christians mature into their 20s, itʼs natural for them to reevaluate their beliefs as they strive to figure out how faith fits into their expanding worldview. If they determine they can drink responsibly and watch movies and listen to music with a discerning spirit, is it possible the “donʼt do it because itʼs wrong” message gets tossed aside along with all those other “legalistic” messages of youth? That they start to believe they can also have sex “with discernment”?

“We have to recognize that people are not married during the years when their hormones are hardest to control,” McKnight says. “So weʼre dealing with a very serious issue that needs to be treated from a variety of angles and not simply the moral angle that itʼs wrong outside of marriage.”

McKnight also wonders if part of the problem is a devaluing of marriage. If young Christians no longer deem marriage a worthwhile endeavor—or see it as a temporary thing (proven to them by the brevity of their parentsʼ marriages and the prevalence of divorce in Western culture), then sex within marriage certainly loses some of its profundity—and sacredness.

Obviously, preaching abstinence, conducting chastity vows, and handing out promise rings among the Christian youth is simply not working.

Our first kiss as husband and wife

I do not want to be a hypocrite. Because the truth is that I have had premarital sex — I am among the 80%; I am in the majority.

But I wouldn’t be lying it I were to say that it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

What are people like me to teach our children about premarital sex and God’s design for sex and marriage? Do I want my daughters to remain virgins until they are married? Of course I do! But looking at our culture and society, looking at the statistics above, and speaking as someone who has fallen into temptation myself, I know that realistically speaking, they will have sex before they get married. Heck, I also know that if current trends continue, they will most likely be having sex by the time they are in their early to mid-teens.

As a former youth group teacher, I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. And my answer has always been to discuss God’s design for marriage, to exalt married sex (because honestly, it really can’t seem to get any better but always does), and talk about the potential dangers of premarital sex…but at the same time, also acknowledge that it is very difficult to abstain, and that if you do decide to have sex before marriage, to please be wise about who, when, and how (and by this, I mean protection).

And if I could go back in time, I would also add that abstinence should be not taught just for the sake of it, but that it is an act of obedience — and a form of worship. I would also encourage “renewed abstinence,” that even if you have lost your virginity physically, you can still start afresh spiritually.

What are your thoughts on the high rates of premarital sex among Christians? What would you, as a Christian, tell our future generations about premarital sex?

Welcome to today’s installment of Reverent Sundays, where I write about an aspect of my faith. This can deal with recent books I have read on Christianity, my thoughts on religion and current issues, as well as particular messages I find touching and/or powerful. I am aware that most of my readers are not religious, and that is fine — you are more than welcome to not read these posts if they make you uncomfortable, enrage you, or bore you to tears. I am open to debates and discussions in the comments section as long as everyone remains respectful. Enjoy!

Earlier this week, Jenna of That Wife fame wrote a very moving and eloquent piece on her changed views on homosexuality.

I am extremely happy for Jenna — I think that she is making some very brave and intelligent steps in improving herself and her life by challenging and questioning her belief systems.

Reading what she has written, in addition to the numerous comments the post received, I realized that I have never thoroughly talked about my views on homosexuality on this blog. Yes, visitors have brought it up various times on my past posts on Christianity, and I have tried my best to answer those questions. But I have never outright stated, in a post, what my position on homosexuality is as a Protestant Christian who believes the Bible is true and complete.

And I feel the need to say this because it is a view I have not seen openly shared by many people, at least in my (mostly very liberal) social circle or among my internet friends…even within the Christian blogs I read and study!

So here it goes.

Let’s start with a bit about my background. I was raised in a Christian home and attended church since I was born. However, there was a period in my life — a few years in my early twenties — when I would be best described as an agnostic and distanced myself from the church.

What made me return to the church was my studying and challenging various belief systems. I took religious courses, read numerous books, and spoke to those with different beliefs and walks of life. I even researched famous atheists like Richard Dawkins and the late Christopher Hitchens. But after gathering all this knowledge, what eventually happened was that I not only returned, but also began to embrace the Christian faith even more than I ever had before.

Do I believe that homosexuality is a sin? Yes. There are both Old and New Testament accounts for this belief, and you can read “What the Bible says and means about same-sex behavior” (from ReligiousTolerance.org, a site that aims to remain unbiased by providing different perspectives)  if you would like to see where and why.*

HOWEVER, I do not believe that homosexuality should be as big of a deal as the American Christian church makes it out to be. I do not believe that it is a “bigger” sin than others — in the sense that sin is sin and all sin can be forgiven through the grace of God except for the unpardonable sin — and I know that I have committed much graver sins in my lifetime than homosexuality. (And this is coming from a person who has never been arrested, whose biggest illegal offense probably was trying pot a few times in college.)

For example, I believe that pride, as the very first sin ever committed, is a much more dangerous sin than homosexuality will ever be, especially because it affects practically everyone who has ever walked this earth, and it is one that I too struggle with on a daily basis.

I believe that genetics can affect a person’s sexual orientation. I believe that some people are “born this way.” And I believe that these are all results of original sin. (The ramifications of original sin are manifested spiritually and physically.)

What I do NOT believe is condemning others for their sins when it is only God who has the right to do so.** What I do NOT believe is withholding rights from the LGBTQ population.

So when it comes down for it, I am not against gay marriage.

I personally believe that in this day and age, the high rates of divorce are a much bigger
threat to the traditional Christian marriage than gay marriage. (image source) 

At the same time, to me, as a Christian, the sacrament of marriage is one that can only be shared between one man and one woman. I believe that it is a promise to God that should strive to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church. (I will be writing more about it in a future Reverent Sundays in a book review for Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.)

The sad thing is, though, that Christians are not the only people in existence. And while the very first marriage between Adam and Eve was indeed a religious one, their fall to sin initiated a chain of events that affected the rest of human history. So the fact of the matter is, marriage is no longer seen as a religious institution by a large portion of the population. That is to say, a Christian meaning of marriage is different from that of a non-religious person.

Should there exist different words for a religious marriage and a secular marriage (i.e., civil unions)? I’m not sure. But this is where we start to tread on the “separate but equal” territory, which I know has its limitations.

The only possible compromise I can think of is to make civil unions the officially recognized form of a lifelong commitment to a partner under the law. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe some countries already do this.) And those who see marriage — or another applicable word — as being a religious institution can go ahead and have a religious ceremony in addition to a civil union, so that we could be married in the eyes of God in addition to being legally married.

I guess what I am saying is that yes, I am fully willing to go an extra step to be “married” in the Christian sense of the word.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer in evangelizing and spreading God’s word. (Not only because it was commanded, but because I see it as such a great message that I truly want to share it with others.) However, I do not believe that forcing your beliefs down others’ throats is the best way to go about doing this. And spreading God’s Word through hate and violence? Definitely not the right way.

While I would love to see the entire world be true lovers and followers of Christ, I know that this is just not possible in this world.

Do I believe that a Christian can be gay? Yes, just as there are Christian adulterers, liars, and thieves. Do I condone their sins? No, but I do not actively condemn them either, unless that sin is harming others or the sinner continually places that sin ahead of God. Should gays be welcomed, loved, and embraced by the church? Abso-freakin-lutely!

I know that there exist so many gray areas within this debate. For example, many people state that what two consenting adults choose to do with their love lives should be of no one else’s concern. But how about in the cases of incest and polygamy, or even when people start marrying objects (e.g., the case of a man marrying a virtual person in Japan, or a woman marrying a building here in the U.S.)? And what about the argument that even as Jesus loved sinners, He also told them to “sin no more”?

The fact of the matter is, I know that my opinion is just one of many surrounding this topic. I also know that I could be very wrong, and that even if I had the best teachers and information available on hand, I could never fully comprehend God’s intentions and plans.

Additionally, I do not believe that the concept of gay marriage is one that is so devastating or threatening to the Christian faith. It is not a major doctrine or tenet of our belief. And whether or not a gay couple can get married does not negate the fact that an one and all-powerful God sent His only Son to die for us on the cross, and by this grace we are saved.

Besides, Jesus states that the two greatest commandments are to love God, and to love your neighbor as yourself. I think that whenever we, as Christians, are faced with situations in which we are not entirely sure how to act, we should always remember these.

* Recently there have been groups such as Soulforce that are challenging the traditional Christian view that homosexuality is a sin. I encourage you to read their article “What the Bible Says — And Doesn’t Say — About Homosexuality” in addition to the “What the Bible says and means about same-sex behavior” article I referenced above. After reading both articles (and others if needed) and praying about the topic, I encourage you to make your own decision regarding whether or not homosexuality is Biblically a sin.

What I will say is that Soulforce fails to mention God’s covenant design for marriage. Additionally, their assertion that “Only six or seven of the Bible’s one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way” is a bit disturbing when you consider that this is coming from someone who claims to have 50+ years of studying the Bible. The truth is that the Bible doesn’t even come close to having a million verses; it doesn’t even have a million words and the number of verses is closer to 31,000. I know that this is just one minor part of their argument, but one can’t help but question the scriptural authority of someone who has made such a mistake.

** The obvious exceptions to this statement are sins that impede on others’ rights to life, liberty, and happiness. And in most of these cases, our governments have constructed, and continue to enforce, laws so that there is no need for ordinary citizens to judge and convict.

ETA, 9:36am: I just realized that I have forgotten the usual header for Reverent Sundays, so I have gone ahead and added that. I will actually be out most of the day, so I will not be able to respond to any more comments until this evening or even tomorrow. Thank you for those who have commented so far!

As much as I b*tch and moan about how difficult it is being a mother, I know that I am not in this alone. And I know that it must be just as difficult for him…if not worse at times.

Because I can’t fathom how frustrating and upsetting it must be when you have been trying your darndest to soothe your hysterically crying baby, only to have her immediately calm down once she is in her mother’s arms — because after all, the baby had been living inside the mother for almost 10 months and intimately knows her voice, scent, and even her breathing rhythm from birth, while all she may recall about you from the womb are the muffled sounds of your voice.

Being a father must be just as heartbreaking when you work all day, away from your family to provide for them, and your own child starts crying at the sight of you because she has started to equate your presence at night with bedtime.

J with Claire in the early days

So I just want to take a moment to tell J, and all the new fathers out there, that it will get better. Your children will begin to look forward to your coming home from work with great anticipation every night. They will grab at your legs and refuse to let go. They will ask for “one more please?” as you dance with them with their little feet on yours.

And there will be — numerous times throughout their lives — when YOU will be their favorite person in the whole wide world.

Just keep doing what you are doing, and know that we love you and are thankful for you every day.