Unless you have been living in a cave, you should know that CERN is flipping the ‘On’ switch on its $10 billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC) tomorrow.
(image via the NYTimes)
The LHC hopes to re-create conditions that last existed when the universe was less than a trillionth of a second old. This comic by PHD Comics explains:
Imagine two beams of particles traveling at 0.999 the speed of light…
Each made of protons bunched together carrying the equivalent energy of an aircraft carrier at 60 km/h and squeezed into an area the size of your pinky finger.
The two beams circle each other around a 27 km underground tunnel near the Swiss Alps until…
…and operator hits a switch and they collide!
What happens next?
However, according to an official statement from the LHC Safety Assessment group, the world will most likely not end tomorrow – you have a greater chance of “suddenly evaporating while shaving.”
Good to know!
But just in case the world does come to a screeching halt tomorrow and we are sucked into an abyss of pain and torture à la Event Horizon (aka the scariest movie ever), there are a few things I would like to say to a a few select people, in no particular order:
I’m sorry that your kids are ugly.
Remember that hot night we had at __________ on ______? Turns out it wasn’t that hot.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
I would turn into a lesbian for you.
I know you snuck in late to our wedding. And thanks for the no gift!
I would rather get a thousand paper cuts and be dipped into a vat of sweat than spend another minute with you.
Size does matter.
I have recurring dreams about you, alternating between my beating the crap out of you with a golf club and us making out passionately at Chuck E. Cheese.
I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.
Obviously I can go on and on, but I’ll stop.
You can watch the LHC in action, live, at http://webcast.cern.ch/index.html tomorrow at 9am CEST (GMT +2).