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My Reasons for Withdrawl

Withdrawl is a defense mechanism I have mastered over the almost-29 years of my life. When I feel down, I withdraw. It’s simple as that.

So I guess this is my excuse for my absence from the online world. Bye-bye, IM, Twitter, Facebook, and blogging. Hello, wallowing in my cave of self-pity.

What is causing this dip in my life?

A couple of months ago, the mister was laid off. We had already been struggling a bit to make ends meet (ever since I left my full-time job), but now we’re really in the red. We’ve used up our savings in these past two months, and now we’re broke. Broke, broke, broke.

Sure, J gets some money from unemployment insurance. But you try living on $2,000 a month plus a few hundred bucks from my freelancing gigs when you have a $3,500/month mortgage and a baby on the way.

Every day I am so grateful for what we have. A great relationship that keeps us laughing and smiling through these tough times. Our health. Loving, supportive families and friends. I am not being sarcastic. I truly appreciate what we have because things really could be worse.

However, I cannot shake off the reminder that this month, we will not be able to make our full mortgage payment for the first time. Yes, we are in danger of losing our home. And yes, I am in the process of pleading our case to our mortgage company.

I think to myself that this baby could not have come at a worst time in our lives. We do not have health insurance. J’s COBRA payment would be $700/month, and we can’t afford that right now.

Do you know that a 15-minute doctor’s visit costs $200 a pop? Or that the prenatal vitamins I’m taking are $90/month?

We have put off our latest doctor’s visit by 2 weeks because this next one will involve tests. Tests that we are not able to afford.

We do not qualify for Medicaid, or any other government-run assistance programs because J’s unemployment checks and my freelancing payments are over the maximum qualifying income.

I have applied for individual health insurance, but there is a good chance that I will get denied (because the health-care industry will find some way to prove that pregnancy is a pre-existing condition), be forced to pay an inordinate amount in premiums, or be stuck with a crappy policy that will leave me wondering why I managed to get insurance in the first place (I am reminded daily of an article my friend Tara wrote about last month: Health Insurance Woes: My $22,000 Bill for Having a Baby).

J is actively looking for a new job. He is getting interviews here and there, but so far no dice.

In the meantime, I am scrambling to find new work, and am even contemplating going back to work full-time myself. I have been applying for jobs that I am over-qualified for, and will be under-paid for, in hopes that I will have some kind of health insurance and can contribute a bit to the household. But who will hire a pregnant lady?

So that’s it. This is why I have been a social hermit. As much as I love you all, I cannot help but feel crappy when I see pictures of your carefree life on Facebook, or read about your upcoming vacation plans on Twitter. I am happy for you, but it saddens me that I cannot provide the same for my family.

Please keep us in your prayers.