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Shiny Happy People Piss Me Off

Sometimes I fear that there is something dreadfully wrong with me, because happy people piss me off.

Share a rant, and I’ll be there to defend you. Tell a sob story and I’ll run over with tissues. But gush on and on about how fantastic life is? Not only do I find you boring, I’ll eventually come to see you as an annoying scab whose very sight makes me want to vomit.

“Seeing you so happy makes me unhappy.”

I like to think that I’m a good person. I obey the law, practice good manners, and have high morals. So why can’t I stand these happy people?

Some call these people “refreshing” and “delightful.” I call them “tiring,” because spending an entire day with them really drains me of my own energy.

Admit it — you know these people too. People whose pure exuberance fills them with bouncy joy day in and day out. People whose Facebook statuses are only updated with feel-good messages. People who act like Jehovah’s Witnesses on crack.

On one hand, you question their sincerity and genuinity. No one can be that happy, you think. You look for a chink in their armor. You tell them that horrifyingly tragic story of the 12-year-old girl with no legs forced to turn tricks in order to pay for her brother’s open-heart surgery because the people of their village kicked them out on the streets for having a funny-sounding last name. Yes, THAT ONE which can bring any optimist to question, “What has the world gone to?” Except THIS person who responds with a hug and the perfect thing to say in this situation (which even I can’t dream up), in addition to the plans for a foundation dedicated to helping this poor girl and her brother, and all others like them.

The fact of the matter is that the world NEEDS people like this just like it needs its villains. And I can’t fault them for who they are, just as I can’t discriminate against people who like their coffee black, because that’s just how they were wired.

So for the time being, I will silently seethe, trying my very darndest not to jump up from my seat, grab ahold of their arms, and shake them while screaming, “STOP BEING SO HAPPY!”

Anyone care to join me?