I confess that I still stalk the “Due in April 2010” message boards.
I confess that I still feel more comfortable in the “Trying to Get Pregnant” and “Miscarriage Support” groups.
I confess that I still get upset when I hear of acquaintances’ pregnancies — because I’m positive that they will go on to have healthy babies while I am bound to lose this one too.
Having a miscarriage was surely the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my 29 years of living. And it has no doubt changed me…I am not able to feel the joy and excitement of this pregnancy. I am not able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.
It has taken away my innocence.
I hope to myself that it will get better with time, that my fears will slowly dissipate with each new milestone, that I will once again be exuberant at being pregnant and not be so fraught with worry every second of my life.
At the same time, I also know that I have yet to experience the pure joy that I felt from day one of my last pregnancy. I am afraid that I am, and will continue to be, detached from this baby and never love it as much as I did with my first.
One thing is for certain. If this baby continues to grow and I am able to give birth to it without major complications, I know that he/she will be that much more precious. This isn’t to say that women who never experience miscarriages love their children any less; rather, they will never fully understand just how lucky and blessed they are.
Please, God, let this one live…