Nov 19, 2014  •  In Christianity, Funny

The Bible in TL;DR Form

Redditor Cabbagetroll has written the stories of the Bible in TL;DR (that’s “too long; didn’t read” for you clueless folks) form.

GENESIS
God:  All right, you two, don’t do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.
Adam & Eve:  Okay.
Satan:  You should do the thing.
Adam & Eve:  Okay.
God:  What happened!?
Adam & Eve:  We did the thing.
God:  Guys

THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT
God:  You are my people, and you should not do the things.
People:  We won’t do the things.
God:  Good.
People:  We did the things.
God:  Guys

THE GOSPELS
Jesus:  I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don’t do the things anymore.
Healed people:  Okay! Thank you!
Other people:  We’ve never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.
Jesus:  I have never done the things.
Other people:  We’re going to put you on trial for doing the things.
Pilate:  Did you do the things?
Jesus:  No.
Pilate:  He didn’t do the things.
Other people:  Kill him anyway.
Pilate:  Okay.
Jesus:  Guys

PAUL’S LETTERS
People:  We did the things.
Paul:  Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things.
People:  Okay.

PAUL’S LETTERS PART II
People:  We did the things again.
Paul:  Guys

REVELATION
John:  When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things.

And in true Reddit/internet form, the comments are worth reading too!

JOB
Job:  I didn’t do the things. Can You ease up a bit?
God:  No
Job:  Guy

THE STORY OF JOSEPH
Joseph:  I love my brothers.
Brothers:  We hate you. [Sells Joseph to neighbors as slave.]
Brothers:  We’re starving, let’s ask our neighbors for food.
[plot twist like a bad M Night Shyamalan movie]
Joseph:  The neighbors made me boss. Okay here’s food.

LEVITICUS
God:  And here’s every reason why you’re sinners.

THE STORY OF DAVID & BATHSHEBA
God:  Don’t do the thing.
David:  But she’s naked and hot and I’m king so I can do what I want.
God:  Guy.

JOHN 2:1-11
[Jesus’ mom asks him to make a booze run.]

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In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that the whole thread’s TL;DR should be “Guys.”  :-P  

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