I pondered whether I should write this series of posts, and I hesitate still as I type these words. But I figure that I can not be the only mother who has these tumultuous feelings (right?) and that if anything, writing this will be therapeutic and beneficial to this new, confused mother.
As soon as Claire was born and placed on my chest, I wanted to cry. Not because I was so happy to finally meet my daughter. Nor because I was overwhelmed with new mommy feelings of love and attachment. But because I felt like she wasn’t mine.
I had lost a baby prior to having Claire. I had wished and prayed so hard to get pregnant again, and was overjoyed beyond words to see the two lines on the pregnancy test. I had marked each passing day of my pregnancy with anticipation and excitement.
I am so ready to become a mother, I told myself repeatedly. Heck, I already am a mother.
But as I looked down on the little creature that had just made her entrance to this world, I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t — why I couldn’t — feel the irrepressible and immediate love described by other mothers. “I loved my baby as soon as I saw him/her,” they had all told me. Why didn’t I feel this way? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME???
Later on, I would look on as J held his daughter for the first time, wiping tears from his eyes. “I can’t believe we made her,” he repeated over and over again. “She’s absolutely perfect.”
I wanted to cry once more. I was so touched at my husband’s reaction to Claire’s birth. (Who wouldn’t?) But at the same time, there was no denying that once again, I was asking myself, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? because I felt so disconnected from my own daughter.
Claire with her daddy moments after birth
To be continued…
Read the rest of the series:
Motherhood: The Most Difficult Journey Yet (Part 2)
Motherhood: The Most Difficult Journey Yet (Part 3)
Motherhood: The Most Difficult Journey Yet (Part 4)
Motherhood: The Most Difficult Journey Yet (Part 5)
