I confess that I still stalk the “Due in April 2010” message boards.

I confess that I still feel more comfortable in the “Trying to Get Pregnant” and “Miscarriage Support” groups.

I confess that I still get upset when I hear of acquaintances’ pregnancies — because I’m positive that they will go on to have healthy babies while I am bound to lose this one too.

Having a miscarriage was surely the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my 29 years of living. And it has no doubt changed me…I am not able to feel the joy and excitement of this pregnancy. I am not able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.

It has taken away my innocence.

I hope to myself that it will get better with time, that my fears will slowly dissipate with each new milestone, that I will once again be exuberant at being pregnant and not be so fraught with worry every second of my life.

At the same time, I also know that I have yet to experience the pure joy that I felt from day one of my last pregnancy. I am afraid that I am, and will continue to be, detached from this baby and never love it as much as I did with my first.

One thing is for certain. If this baby continues to grow and I am able to give birth to it without major complications, I know that he/she will be that much more precious. This isn’t to say that women who never experience miscarriages love their children any less; rather, they will never fully understand just how lucky and blessed they are.

Please, God, let this one live…

With my last pregnancy I had a feeling that it was a girl.

This time, I have a feeling that it’s a boy.

If I did ovulate on the 1/14 as Fertility Friend says, our chances of conceiving a boy are slim according to the Shettles Method.

However, I just have this feeling that I’m carrying a boy. And they say that a mother just knows during her first trimester.

Even the Chinese gender chart agrees with me. When I first used it I was surprised to see that it predicted a girl…then I read that I need to use my lunar age, which is one year older than my western age.

Matching January and 30, you’ll see a boy!

I also found this site which allows you to input not only the exact month and date, but the time zone as well (which I personally think is more accurate because I was born in Korea) — and I get a boy!

Both J and I prefer a boy. I think I may be the only woman I know who didn’t want girls — they are generally more high maintenance and I’ve always gotten along better with men than women.

There’s also the fact that J’s parents, having traditional Chinese values, want a boy as well.

All this being said, I would still be elated to have a girl. At this point, having a happy, healthy baby is what I want most in the world.

It’s starting to happen. A couple of the women on the “October 2010” pregnancy board have miscarried, or are in the process of miscarrying. And I know that more are bound to drop out as time progresses.

Please don’t let me be one of those people.