My “big announcement” isn’t so much of an announcement as it is an update for those who read this and genuinely care about what has been going on in my life and what caused, and will continue to contribute to my absence from this blog.

My depression has returned. I am back on therapy and meds.

I am not entirely sure what caused my black hole of despair to return. Sometimes there really is no reason for depression — it is a horrible illness I would not wish on my worst enemy — but I do know that the past couple of years have been particularly rough on me, and the past few months have been some of the most trying on me and my family.

I knew that I needed help when I would start crying whenever I was alone. And because finding ANY alone time is so difficult these days, I would cry the most while in the bathroom. A hot blubbering mess in the shower? A regular occurrence. Sobbing while on the crapper? As pathetic as it sounds, this happened/happens all too often.

I knew that I needed help when I had a sudden urge to smack my child for being fussy. I have NEVER had violent thoughts toward my children before and this scared the crap out of me. I called J at work in tears, and asked him to come home immediately because I didn’t trust myself with the girls.

I knew that I needed help when just the act of getting out of bed became too unbearable to even think about. When I looked forward to each and every day with dread. When I failed to see joy in my children’s smiles. When I wanted SO badly to check myself into a mental institution and the only thing holding me back was knowing that we could not afford it.

I knew that I needed help when I began to have repeated and detailed thoughts of death and suicide and how much better off all my loved ones would be without me.

Both my psychiatrist and psychologist have told me that my getting out of bed, getting dressed and making it to their offices were courageous acts. They tell me that if I were not brave, I would have given in to the disease. I would not be taking care of my kids and trying to support my parents despite the fact that it physically pains me to even just sit up. When it takes all my energy to not be crying ALL the time.

But I certainly do not feel courageous.

And as much as I love my parents, even after all my struggles with depression in the past, they still questioned me when I finally confessed to them my condition: can it be that I’m just being overly dramatic, too pessimistic, too selfish, too irresponsible, and too lazy?

Who knows? Perhaps they are right. I am working hard to find the answer.

There has been sooo much going on in my life lately that I do not know quite where to begin.

First, my neck is recovering nicely. I am still in a bit of pain but it is nowhere near as bad as it was two weeks ago, and through acupuncture and chiropractic therapy I am even slowly regaining the reflexes in my right arm!*

My chiropractor tells me that I now only need to return to him if my pain worsens. As for acupuncture, I am continuing the sessions because our focus has now shifted to lessening my stress levels and trying to reverse the physical damages that it has already caused to my body. I am taking hanyak, the Asian herbal medicine, and receiving acupuncture sessions once a week.

Both doctors have strongly recommended yoga as a form of exercise, relaxation technique, and additional therapy for my back and neck. I have always found yoga to be boring in the past (I much prefer fast, high-impact routines), but then again I have only tried it by myself at home with DVDs and I now believe that being in a class setting with a licensed instructor may be more beneficial for someone like me. As such, I will begin yoga classes next week!

(I am also hoping that yoga will help me get back into shape. I know that it will not be a miracle worker, but here’s to hoping that it will be the first step toward getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes.)

How do I make time to go to doctors and yoga classes with two young kids? While it may be true that me and the girls are staying at my parents’ and have three people — my parents and my sister — around for help, they all have work too. They have been rotating their schedules so that at least one person is home with me at all times, but this can get tremendously difficult and it always does not work out. Additionally, I still hardly ever get breaks (when both doctors tell me that I need as much rest as possible) because there’s usually one adult per baby.

So we have decided to send Claire to daycare, at least temporarily.

Right before I took this picture, I asked Claire, “How old are you?”

We have discovered that there is an in-home daycare just two houses down from my parents’! It has been running for over 15 years (funny how I never noticed it until now — despite my YEARS of walking and driving by it — and stupidly thinking that the people living there must be a large family) and has received pretty good reviews online.**

There are actually two facilities in our neighborhood, both run by the same woman: the first is for 3 to 5-year-olds while the other, the one that is closer to my parents’ house, is for 15-months to 3-year-olds. Coincidentally, the owner of the daycare met Claire on a walk the day before before I first contacted her, and had taken a liking to her almost immediately. She was very understanding and sympathetic to our situation, and thought that Claire would make a nice addition to her toddler class which currently consists of 10 children and 3 teachers.

So far, Claire is doing better than expected at her new “school.” (That’s what we’ve been calling it to her face, and it’s not too far from the truth because they do far more educational lessons and activities than I can currently provide for her at home.) It is undoubtedly a rough transition for our shy little girl, but we feel that this will benefit her in the long run, especially since most of the kids in her class are older than her and she can learn from them and be exposed to more advanced lessons.

We started Aerin on solids a couple of weeks ago and she’s been enjoying
them tremendously.

Living back at home has certainly been challenging for this married-with-two-kids woman. Sure, it is the same house that I grew up in and I still feel safe and comfortable here. But it is akin to moving back in with the ‘rents after being away for college, and the past two weeks have been full of compromises and adjustments for everyone in my family.

I also miss J very, very much.

At our 4-year anniversary dinner last week

I hope to be back soon with another big announcement, but it will have to wait a few days until people are met with and confirmations made. (No, I am not pregnant.)

I hope everyone has been doing well!

*Someone recently asked me why I sought out “alternative medicine” to treat my neck injury. I wasn’t sure exactly what to tell her (I think she thought I was a complete hippy — me! Ha!) and all I could say was that it just worked out that way. I already had an appointment with the chiropractor when the pain began, and I had already been going to the acupuncturist thanks to my parents’ urging. And since sessions with both “doctors” (I know some do not think chiropractors and acupuncturists are not really ”doctors” but I call them that because they both have medical degrees) were tremendously beneficial, I saw no need to seek out another.

**It may be bad manners to talk about money, but I have to add that daycare out here in the suburbs is almost half the price of what they charge in our neighborhood! AND they provide two meals and a snack!

Four years ago today…

Happy anniversary, my love. It’s been nothing short of wonderful.

Thank you to all who have been checking in with me. I am currently at my parents’ house with Claire and Aerin, and will stay here for at least a month. (J is living alone in our condo, driving up on weekends to spend time with us.) Things are expectedly very hectic as we adjust to our new living arrangements — e.g., no cribs for the girls — and life in the suburbs. I will try my best to return to blogging as soon as life slows down some.

Tomorrow is a big day for us as Claire and I will be checking out an in-home daycare just a few houses down from us. Wish us luck!

I woke up this morning to horrible pain in my neck and shoulders.

I immediately called out to J, who had to take yet another day off from work due to my health problems, and phoned my mother to see if she could come watch the girls while J took me to the doctor.

I had actually been meaning to go to a chiropractor for some time now because my back, neck, and shoulders are constantly in pain and have been ever since I was pregnant with Claire (so that’s over 2 years). As luck would have it, I had managed to find one nearby with good reviews just the other day and called him as soon as his office opened. He would be able to see me that same day.

He knew almost right away what the problem was: a herniated disc in my neck. After an examination, the diagnosis was confirmed.

The scariest part of the examination was when he was checking my reflexes. Because as it turns out, my nerves are so damaged that I NO LONGER HAVE REFLEXES IN MY ENTIRE RIGHT ARM.

I know that this isn’t that big a deal; after all, I still have full motility and sensation in all parts of my body, including my right arm. And according to the doc, the damage to my nerves did not happen overnight — he estimates that it’s been at least a year since I first developed the herniated disc (I had just written off the pain as normal aches and pains from having a baby to take care of) — so I had been living with this minor damage this entire time and hadn’t even noticed!

But it was pretty scary to see your left arm twitch and jump just as it should be, only to have the doctor perform the same exact tests on my right arm and see it lie lifeless and still.

I received some physical therapy today, and will be returning to continue receiving therapy for however long it takes for the pain to go away. (Luckily, the burning OHMIGAWD MY NECK AND SHOULDERS ARE ON FIRE sensation only lasted through this morning.)

The doctor told me that if the pain does not lessen soon, he would like to send me for an MRI. He said that while most insurance companies will deny MRI coverage for herniated discs, they will approve them in cases like mine where there is nerve damage. (Hearing this scared the crap of me too.)

The worst part about this entire ordeal is that I still have Claire and Aerin at home.

After some arguing and even a couple of tears on my part, we have decided to send Claire to my parents’ for the rest of the week. And depending on how I am doing, we — meaning me, Claire, and Aerin — may stay at my parents’ for a little over month, until J’s parents return from Hong Kong late next month. J will stay at our home, visiting and sleeping overnight occasionally, but the commute from my parents’ home to NYC is almost an hour each way and it will be too difficult for him, especially since his work hours do not fall during rush hour when trains run often.

And although my mother would love to stay at our place to help out, she still has her store to manage and the frequent drives here — 45 minutes without traffic — are becoming too difficult. At my parents’ house, Claire will be watched by my sister and mother and father, each able to cover for the others when they have to work.

I will still need to watch Aerin by myself until the end of the week, but having one baby to watch is exponentially easier than two.

I had to fight back tears as I packed Claire’s things, and I started bawling as soon as she was out the door. I may enjoy occasional breaks from my children, but I have never spent a night away from Claire since she was born (aside from hospital stays), and I know that I will miss her horribly.

(The original plan was for me and the girls to all go to my parents’ today, but there was already so much stuff to pack and bring just with Claire…we simply did not have the time, space, or energy to do so today.)

I have recently started to get acupuncture and have been taking Asian herbal medicine for my failing health too. I hope that this, in addition to the chiropractic therapy, will help me get in better shape asap so that I will be able to take care of my girls the way they deserve.

What if Darth Vader were around to see Luke grow up? What if he took an active role in his childhood and did all the things that ordinary dads do with their sons?

Author and illustrator Jeffrey Brown has taken up this challenge in Darth Vader and Son, which paints a lovely and hilarious alternate reality of Darth Vader as an everyday father. Among the many scenarios depicted in the book, Vader teaches Luke how to use a lightsaber, takes him toy-shopping, and even goes trick-or-treating with him!

I hardly have time to check my Google Reader anymore, so I was absolutely delighted when J told me about this book. The only problem I can see with it is that Leia is nowhere in sight — perhaps the author will write a sequel featuring her?

This 64-page hardcover book will not be released until May 4, but you can be sure that we will be pre-ordering a copy for ourselves and our girls! In the meantime, be sure to check out the below book trailer:

Via Design Taxi.