Depression | Geek in Heels

The thing about depression is that nobody can really understand how you feel unless they have been through it themselves. And even then, their experiences could be completely different from yours. When I first wrote of my current struggle with depression, I got the feeling that a few commenters believed the condition to have suddenly come over me one day. Or even over a span of weeks. But the truth of the matter is that I have been down for months now, and what probably precipitated my meltdown was my neck injury; I was no longer physically able to stay strong. It is no secret that I have been treated for depression in the past — in my early twenties, to be exact...

Depression, Personal

At a Crossroads

May 03. 2012

My "big announcement" isn't so much of an announcement as it is an update for those who read this and genuinely care about what has been going on in my life and what caused, and will continue to contribute to my absence from this blog. My depression has returned. I am back on therapy and meds. I am not entirely sure what caused my black hole of despair to return. Sometimes there really is no reason for depression — it is a horrible illness I would not wish on my worst enemy — but I do know that the past couple of years have been particularly rough on me, and the past few months have been some of the most trying on...

Depression, Motherhood, Personal

I Do Not Have PPD

Dec 08. 2010

In response to my last post, many people have suggested that I go see a doctor and be screened for PPD (post partum depression). And reading each one of those comments made me angry. I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason. They are just trying to be supportive — why the hate? Did my anger stem from their recognizing the ugly truth? Do I really have PPD? I took a cold hard look at myself. And I realized: no. I do not have PPD. If I had PPD, I would find no joy in my daughter's gummy smiles, explosive farts, and sudden bursts of laughter. If I had PPD, I would have little or no desire in taking care of my daughter. If I had PPD, I would...

Comang, Depression, Personal

Not Alone

Mar 31. 2009

Sometimes the worst thing you can do for a person suffering from depression is to leave him or her alone. I am well aware of this fact. However, as a natural introvert I shy away from company and gravitate toward the comforts of solitude. Where I can be alone with my thoughts of despair and disarray. So it is fortunate timing that I am no longer alone 24x7. Wait, not fortunate, but gracious. God must've known this would come up. You can never get anything past Him, I tell ya. Well before our coming forth with my depression, our pastor's family asked two favors of us, both of which can only help me on my way to recovery. The first was to ask me to...

Christianity, Depression, Personal

Accountability

Mar 30. 2009

The last time I sought help for my depression, I went through a slew of psychologists and psychiatrists. Having grown up in the church, I even visited a few Christian therapists. The one I ended up choosing was not Christian; rather, she was a prim and proper Jewish woman with a smooth, articulate voice that managed to cut through all the BS in my life. Unlike other therapists who were prone to asking, "So how does that make you feel?" or "What do you think that means?" she actually analyzed my thoughts and reactions, often giving her opinion and advice on top of my jumbled interpretation of events. She was not afraid to chastise me, which made me shed quite a few...

Depression, Personal

Unmedicated

Apr 15. 2008

Back in college I went through a dark period of constant despair, suicidal thoughts, and even self-mutilation. A good friend urged me to seek treatment, and I reluctantly did. I was diagnosed with major depression, took a medical leave of absence from school, and was treated with psychotherapy and medications for the next few years. So when I read today's NYTimes article "Who Are We? Coming of Age on Antidepressants", which discusses the lack of information regarding the long-term effects of antidepressants, I naturally thought back to that period of my life. I'll be honest with you: those drugs were pretty dope. I was on both Prozac and Welbutrin, and at one point I was maxed out on both doses. I have never done illegal drugs, but I like...

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Depression and Motherhood

Jun 13. 2012