Oct 9, 2009  •  In Personal, Pregnancy

No Heartbeat

We did not get an ultrasound yesterday because this particular doctor did not have an ultrasound machine on premises. He had discovered the bleeding after a pelvic exam, and while he put me on bedrest, he advised us to get an ultrasound right away.

Luckily, we were able to get an appointment with another doctor this morning. I immediately liked her, and kept thinking inside my head, “We found our OB!” She was warm, energetic and friendly, and told me more about the pregnancy in 15 minutes of conversation than all my past doctor visits combined.

But as soon as the grainy image flickered onto the screen, I knew something was wrong.

“…there is no heartbeat…”

We had lost the baby.


Insurance Refuses to Cover the Surgery

I will be going to the hospital on Monday to get a surgical procedure called D&C. The tissue will be suctioned out and tests performed to try to determine the cause of the miscarriage.

The worst part of this entire experience has been the insurance. After we received the news and got some private time to grieve, the doctor explained to us what would happen and the administrative staff called my insurance provider to get the authorization for the procedure.

Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield is refusing to cover this treatment as well, stating that my need for a D&C stems from a pre-existing condition (aka the pregnancy). My doctor was livid, repeatedly saying, “But she NEEDS this procedure. It’s a surgery that requires a hospital bed, staff, equipment, and anesthesia!”

The cost of the D&C will run in the thousands of dollars. My doctor kindly offered to cut her own fee in half, but her cost is just a fraction of the total bill.

After hearing the news, all I wanted to do was go home and cry. Grieve in private. Instead, we had to sit in the doctor’s office for another half an hour while the staff continued to argue with the insurance company. A fight that they inevitably lost.


The Aftermath

This all happened in the morning. J and I came home, cried, and grieved together. I took a short nap, and am currently feeling slightly better. Which is to say that I am no longer bawling…rather, I feel numb. I feel completely numb and cold inside.

When I first found out that we had lost the baby (just a week before the start of my second trimester, no less), I quickly decided that I did not want to tell anyone right away.

However, as soon as I woke up from my nap I knew that I wanted to write. So here I am.

I continue to re-run the pregnancy in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think back to events that occurred years and years ago, asking myself if it’s possible that they could’ve somehow contributed to the miscarriage.

People say that a miscarriage is nature’s way of weeding out the weak and the deformed, and that it most likely happened through no fault of my own. However, it is difficult not to blame myself and consider myself less of a woman.

“Do you think our baby is in heaven?” I asked J.

“Of course. And we’ll get to meet him or her one day.”

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72 Responses to “No Heartbeat”

  1. christine says:

    i’m very sorry to hear that. you’re all in my prayers. i pray that there is some resolve to this.

  2. tyeung says:

    No words can console and no tears can replace the sadness you are feeling. I can only hope you will feel the love and support of all those around you. All my best, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and always!

  3. sally says:

    delurking as well… thank you for sharing this… i hope that you find in peace in knowing that God is always in control and that you did nothing wrong to cause this to happen. Don’t even think that way!!! Things have a way of working out.. and I pray that a way will open up for you with this whole insurance fiasco… I know no words can take away the pain… but may God give you peace…. take care.. ::::BIG HUGS:::::

  4. Amanda says:

    There are no words. I am so sorry for you and your husband’s loss.

  5. tiffany (toucan) says:

    Jenny, I’m so so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  6. Sona says:

    I am so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. May God Bless you both. And yes, try planned parenthood…there are also other options that help women without insurance pay for these procedures.

  7. lise says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Will keep you in my prayers.

  8. Wendy says:

    Jenny, cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve and be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. Take care of yourself.

  9. Sarah says:

    I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray that you find some sort of relief during this very difficult time.

  10. Josie says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this Jenny. You are in my prayers.

  11. Larah says:

    I am not sure this applies since you have individual coverage, rather than group coverage, but I am under the impression that under the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA), pregnancy cannot be a pre-existing condition. Please check out the Department of Labor website and FIGHT and APPEAL your claims.

    My thoughts are with you.

  12. WL says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your loss..My sympathies to you and your husband.

  13. Tali says:

    I’m another lurker that’s been following you since Weddingbee eons ago. Sorry it’s for this reason that I’m finally de-lurking, but I had to offer my condolences. I’m so, so sorry for your loss and all the difficulties that you’ve been experiencing. Just know that life will eventually get better, because it has to.

  14. Amy says:

    I am so so sorry for your loss. ::hugs:: I hope things with the medical bill looks better for you soon. 🙁

  15. Lourdes says:

    Jenny: having suffered a miscarriage ourselves, I know there is no right thing to say. But we will be here waiting for you to share any thoughts you want to share. Or not share. Just be. And we will be thinking of you.

  16. I am so, so very sorry, Jenny.

  17. LooseGrip says:

    Jen, So sorry for your loss. I only started following your blog a few weeks ago, but I was so engulfed in you and your husband’s enthusiasm and love for one another and your baby. I hope you find peace soon — you both deserve it. And I hope your insurance woes are soon a thing of the past. Best wishes as you recover, LooseGrip

  18. Oh Jenny, I am so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.

  19. Mary says:

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope the procedure goes as well as it could be today.

  20. Mike Chung says:

    Hi Jenny and Josiah – I’m so sorry that your pregnancy ended in miscarriage and that you had to endure such grief and hardship. Please take comfort knowing that God is with you now, and that He cries with you. Somehow, for some reason that is beyond our understanding, God has brought your child to be with Him, and your baby is in heaven with the Lord. Please know that your entire family is in our prayers (my family’s, OPC YG & EM).

    Keep your faith strong and don’t give up hope. Most of all, don’t blame yourself or second-guess yourself – no matter what we’ve done, what we’ve not done, or how hard we try, some things are beyond our control.


  21. Kristin says:

    Jenny – I am so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

  22. birdie says:

    this is just heartbreaking. so so sad. you are so incredibly brave for sharing your story. hope you are able to find a little bit of peace in knowing that your baby is in a better place.

  23. Stephanie says:

    I’m sorry to hear about the lost of your baby. I actually went through one myself last Dec. I wanted to let you know that you can get the procedure done at Planned Parenthood. The environment isn’t great, but that’s where my insurance sent me. They will work with you on payment. Some people get the d&c procedure for less than $300.00, look into it. It would be a lot cheaper to do it this way.

  24. honeymyheart says:

    i’m very sorry. hope that it gets better with time. thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.

  25. Lisa says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I wish I knew words that would comfort you.

    Just know that I’m praying for you and wishing I could give you a hug. <3

  26. Marissa says:

    Jenny, I am so very sorry. You and Josiah are in my thoughts and prayers.

  27. kay says:

    first of all – i just wanted to say that i am so sorry this happened to you. i know many people say don’t blame yourself, but that’s easier said than done. i hope you find comfort in your husband & family.

    second of all – i would petition the insurance company through a letter. i would also check out care credit – i don’t know if it’s around everywhere, but it’s an interest-free (for 12 months) credit card used only for medical procedures.

    i want to apologize again – take your time & deal with things as you need to.

  28. Vanessa says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of thoughts and prayers being sent your way!

  29. cynthia says:

    I’m sorry for your lost and my prayers and thoughts will be you and your husband. I understand and endure the same physical pain that I went through. I had a miscarriage 10 months ago and it was a painful situation that I went through as well. I hope in time you’ll be physically heal. Don’t blame yourself for this, it’s something that we have no control over. Take Care!

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