My parents have always said that everyone needs the following three people in their social circle: a doctor friend, a lawyer friend, and an auto mechanic friend. The reasoning for this is simple, and it is so that you have someone you trust to give you advice and consultations on matters that could otherwise screw you over if you went to the wrong person.

When I was younger, my parents also encouraged me to study hard and attend a good college not only so that I can make a good life for myself, but also because they believed that I would have a greater chance at befriending those who would be in powerful positions as working adults.

At first, I was appalled at their train of thought. “Why would I want to take advantage of my friends? That’s just wrong!”

But now, I am seeing that it is not so black and white. Because we all could use some help in life. Because friends want to help each other out. And because even if I make less money than my friends, or am in a less powerful position professionally, I can still give to  them in other ways.

This is how my parents were able to provide good healthcare for our family for all those years without health insurance — through a doctor friend who never charged us for office visits, made emergency home visits when we couldn’t afford to go to the ER, and generously provided us with drug samples that would otherwise have cost us thousands of dollars.

And this is also how my parents saved probably tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees and auto repair fees over the years.

In return, my parents provided them with free dry cleaning as well as my mother’s delicious home cooked meals. (I know that everyone thinks their own mother is the best cook ever, but my mother really is a great chef — her friends are always asking her for recipes, tips…she even gets “orders” for her turkey every Thanksgiving!)

Not exactly the “friends with benefits” I am referring to…

Luckily, J and I also have many friends to whom we can look to for medical, legal, and other professional advice. We certainly do not like to take advantage of them, but they have come through for us many times over the years. Like the time we were buying our condo and a friend of mine introduced us to a real estate attorney who handled everything for us without charging us a cent. Or doctor friends who provide us with free consultations and prescriptions over the phone or email without our having to set foot inside a doctor’s office. We try our best to return the favors too, in whatever ways possible.

Next month, my father will be going on a 5-day golf trip with his buddies to the Dominican Republic. Considering my parents’ current financial situation, the vacation would have been impossible if it were not for a friend who insisted that my father come too, and even paid for a large portion of the trip! This friend had also recently extended an interest-free loan to my parents for their business.

Now, this is not a meant to brag about the rich and powerful people my parents know, but I give it as an example to illustrate how generous and thoughtful good friends can be (this friend obviously knows about my father’s failing health and the stress he had been under due to their financial woes). It brings tears to my eye when I think about my father, who hasn’t taken a proper vacation in years, doing one of his favorite activities in a warm climate…and I can’t thank this friend enough.

If anything, I believe that receiving these generous gifts from friends would only cause my parents to want to give back more, and to share what little they have with others as well. I know that I certainly would.

I used to believe that asking your friends for professional favors, free consultations, etc. is totally taboo and completely imposing, but now I have done a complete 180. After all, who can you rely on if not your friends?

Do you share these types of mutual give-and-take with your friends?

A couple of weeks ago, J’s relatives in China found this old photograph and sent it over:

Can you guess who the little girl is? It’s J’s mother when she was about 3 years old!

Everyone immediately noticed how remarkably Claire resembles her grandmother in this picture. Here’s a recent picture of Claire for comparison:

Even my mother did a double-take when I showed her the old picture. “Claire’s going to look just like that in a couple of years,” she predicted. And we couldn’t agree more.

As stated in a previous post, Claire currently resembles her uncle (J’s brother) the most of everyone in our family. Sometimes, you could even swear that she’s a carbon copy of him! And because J and his brother look NOTHING alike (seriously — for all their lives, people have been surprised to learn that they’re even related), we always assumed that the only physical traits that Claire got from her dad were her hands and feet, which are exact miniature replicas.

The reason we were all so surprised to see the resemblance between Claire and J’s mother as a young child is because J looks so much like his mother. So perhaps she has inherited more physical traits from him, but they are not yet apparent?

My mother always says that most babies and children change drastically in appearance as they grow up, so you can never guess what the adult version of them will look like. Take me, for example. I looked like my dad’s Mini-Me throughout my childhood and teenage years, but once I hit my twenties I started to look a lot more like my mom than my dad.

Taking all this into consideration, I can’t wait to see how my children turn out!

One thing is for sure: J’s mother is a beautiful woman — even J says that she was “hot” in her twenties — so we, as parents, may have a lot to worry about when Claire grows up!

A snapshot of my MIL with her sons on J and my wedding day.

As for Aerin, I am starting to see more and more of J in her as the days go by, but there are moments here and there when I am overcome with extreme déjà vu and I could swear that I have gone back in time because she is looking so much like her sister did at her age! However, just as Claire changed so much in just her first year, Aerin could change too, so who knows?

Who do you resemble the most in your family? If you have children, who do they take after? 

The media keeps telling us that the economy is getting better, that the unemployment rate is decreasing and that there are brighter days ahead.

In my parents’ circle, this is not the case.

Because from what I can see, 2011 has been the most difficult for small business owners, especially immigrant groups who rely on dry cleaners, nail salons, delis, and grocery stores — previously some of the most stable small businesses  — for their livelihood.

My mother tells me that in the 20+ years she’s been in the dry cleaning business, she has never seen it this bad.

Two of her close friends are in default on their mortgages. My aunt’s family recently had her home foreclosed. Everyone else is dipping into, and depleting their savings and retirement funds just to stay afloat.

And my parents? They are two of the most hard-working, frugal people I know. Their credit scores were both above 800 even just a year ago. The regulars at their stores love them and constantly tell me that I should be proud to have such great people as my parents.

But this past year, they have struggled tremendously. They too have cashed out their retirement funds. Their credit ratings have suffered as a result of all the loans they took out — in addition to the loans they have applied for and have been rejected from. They cannot sell their stores because no one is willing, or has the money to buy. They are in danger of losing both their stores as well as their house.

Despite their own financial hardships, my parents never cease giving. Here is my dad
presenting Claire with her first LEGO set. 

The most frustrating part about all of this — at least, in my small and selfish mind — is that my parents cannot speak good English. So it’s me and my sister who have to deal with the calls to the bank, the letters from collection agencies, and the endless amount of paperwork.

It’s even more exasperating that our parents still do not quite understand how the American system works. They are still accustomed to the Korean way, where you can plead your case to the bank manager and perhaps receive a pardon for the month. They do not understand why some companies refuse to take personal checks, even when accompanied by a bank statement that shows there is plenty of money in the account. They do not understand how the representatives of the companies they deal with can be so careless and even irresponsible with their clients’ accounts.

Moreover, they do not understand how the American dream, which they had been so certain they had already fulfilled, can disintegrate so suddenly.

My father’s health continues to deteriorate. My mother grows older and more haggard with every passing day. I wish that they could retire, but they no longer have the means to. I wish that I can help them out, but we are in no financial situation to do so either. If it weren’t for the girls, I would get a job making even $30,000 a year just so that I can help support the two people who have supported me for the first quarter-century of my life.

I ask my mother how she does it. How does she get up to go to work every day knowing that she will only continue to go into debt?

“We have hope for the future,” she tells me. “We hope that things will get better soon. We also have hope in you and your sister, and in Claire and Aerin…and we continue to work in hopes that you may all be more comfortable in the future.”

“Besides,” she continues. “There are people out there who are much worse than us. We still have so much to be thankful for.”

I turn away my head as she says this so that she cannot see the tears welling up in my eyes.

We’ve all seen the commercials. A doting spouse surprises his or her significant other with a brand new car for Christmas, complete with a big red bow on top.

A screenshot from this year’s “A December to Remember Sales Event” commercial

And if you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking, “Does anyone actually do that?”

Apparently, yes — there is even a warehouse in California that stockpiles the iconic oversized red bows because the demand for them is so high! Granted, the article referenced is a bit old, but as Lexus’s annual “December to Remember Sales Event” is ongoing, I highly doubt that this tradition of the financially privileged has expired in recent years.

I always told J that I would be pretty angry with him if he ever did this for me. Yes, the sentiment is nice, but to make such a big purchase without consulting me first — one that is surely to affect our financial future — is wrong in my eyes.

And I know that I can not the only one who thinks this way, because I saw the following strip from Dog House Diaries just this morning:

Would you ever purchase a car as a surprise present for your spouse? How would you react if your S.O. surprised you with a new car?

Most of the moms I know can’t bear to be apart from their children. They tell stories of the bucketfuls of tears that were shed the first time they left their babies with a sitter, nanny, or at a daycare. They talk about how they refuse to spend more than an x amount of time away from their children. (I even know one mom who has not spent even an hour away from her daughter for over 3 years!) Some even speak out about the physical pain that is felt when they are away from their children.

I am not one of those moms.

Again, I cannot help but wonder if something is wrong with me, or if I am missing that part of most women which makes them nurturing, loving providers for their offspring.

The very first time that I spent some time apart from Claire was when she was just two months old. J and I left her with his parents while we went out to dinner and watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.

I remember that all throughout dinner, I had an unsettling feeling I just could not shake off…and that’s when I realized that I wasn’t experiencing the tremendous separation anxiety that had been described to me by other moms. I wasn’t even worried about her — admittedly, because I knew that J’s parents would take good care of her — and if anything, I felt…

Relief.

There, I said it. The very first time that I went out without my daughter, I felt good. I felt freedom. I felt all the things that only a selfish mother — and surely only a horrible, uncaring person — would feel.

It was only when I returned home and saw the little booger that I realized how much I had missed her.

And I lavished her with extra attention and affection as a result.

Like the title of this book says, I will always return home to my children.
(image source) 

Is this admission of guilt — and what I did to make up for it — what sets me apart from the truly horrible mothers? Or is that just wishful thinking and I really am a bad mother?

Am I just not cut out for motherhood and doing irreparable harm to my children? 

Despite the guilt, I continued to go out sans Claire when I could. J and I used to drive up to my parents’ house at least once a month so that my mother could have her fix of spending time with her beloved granddaughter, while we could run errands, dine out, or catch a movie.

And now, we’re even talking about going away for a romantic weekend in January or February while his parents watch the girls, taking full advantage of their being here before their return to Hong Kong in March.

If anything, I think that these times away from my daughters have made me a better, more sane mother, and J agrees.

Obviously this isn’t something that works for all families. But like all parenting decisions, you have to do what’s best for your own unique, individual family.

Are there other moms out there who never felt the separation anxiety that is described by other moms?