Oct 12, 2011  •  In Funny

Reasons to Fear Canada

by Sean Carman

Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.

Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.

Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?

Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.

Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.

Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.

Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.

Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.

Never had a “disco phase.”

Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.

Keeps insisting it “has no designs on America” and “only wants peace.”

Plays a mean game of pond hockey.

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(image source)

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7 Responses to “Reasons to Fear Canada”

  1. Mandy says:

    haha this gave me a good giggle!

  2. Jazmin says:

    This made me laugh a whole heck of a lot. Maybe because I grew up literally miles from the USA border and used to think I was a badass when I rode my bike to the border and onto American soil.

    PS We’ll never tell you why we are so polite. 😉

  3. Rhey says:


  4. Nodakademic says:

    As someone who lives about 80 miles from the canadian border, I LOLed. ‘cept….my city has a lot of the same traits listed here.. we must be assimilating! Gotta go home now and hide my red + black checkered mad bomber hat.

  5. Miranda says:

    Does that make Alaska Canada’s stupid hat? ‘Cause I totally agree with that.

  6. Hehe, Canada rocks! 😉
    Not to mention the mat leave! 😉

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