Sep 9, 2008  •  In Funny, Geek, Personal

In Case the World Comes to an End Tomorrow…

Unless you have been living in a cave, you should know that CERN is flipping the ‘On’ switch on its $10 billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC) tomorrow.

(image via the NYTimes)

The LHC hopes to re-create conditions that last existed when the universe was less than a trillionth of a second old. This comic by PHD Comics explains:

Imagine two beams of particles traveling at 0.999 the speed of light…

Each made of protons bunched together carrying the equivalent energy of an aircraft carrier at 60 km/h and squeezed into an area the size of your pinky finger.

The two beams circle each other around a 27 km underground tunnel near the Swiss Alps until…

…and operator hits a switch and they collide!

What happens next?

While the legendary Stephen Hawking has bet against the success of the machine, some have theorized that the world will come to an end tomorrow – heck, scientists are even getting death threats!

However, according to an official statement from the LHC Safety Assessment group, the world will most likely not end tomorrow – you have a greater chance of “suddenly evaporating while shaving.”

Good to know!

But just in case the world does come to a screeching halt tomorrow and we are sucked into an abyss of pain and torture à la Event Horizon (aka the scariest movie ever), there are a few things I would like to say to a a few select people, in no particular order:

I’m sorry that your kids are ugly.

Remember that hot night we had at __________ on ______? Turns out it wasn’t that hot.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

I would turn into a lesbian for you.

I know you snuck in late to our wedding. And thanks for the no gift!

I would rather get a thousand paper cuts and be dipped into a vat of sweat than spend another minute with you.

Size does matter.

I have recurring dreams about you, alternating between my beating the crap out of you with a golf club and us making out passionately at Chuck E. Cheese.

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

Obviously I can go on and on, but I’ll stop.

You can watch the LHC in action, live, at tomorrow at 9am CEST (GMT +2).

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