Mar 30, 2009  •  In Personal

Woke Up This Morning Afraid I Was Gonna Live

The first stage is denial.

The signs are all there: insomnia as well as bouts of 14+ hour sleep marathons; withdrawal from social interactions; resistance to activities I once enjoyed; my emotional health taking a toll on my physical health; and a general indifference to the joys of life.

And the crying.

Oh, the crying.

The first stage is denial.

Long ago, a friend told me that I had a “paste-on smile.” When I questioned the meaning behind this phrase, he pointed out that I had a very nice smile, but it always made him wonder what I was hiding underneath. I had divulged to him some of my darkest thoughts and fears, you see.

I flash my “paste-on smile” to the public. Even to J. Everything is fine here. There’s nothing to see. Keep moving, people.

The first stage is denial.

To the outside world, I live a storybook life. A loving family. A charming, handsome husband. Caring friends. A comfortable home.

Within the past year, I have even been told by three separate people that they envy my life.

Only if they knew.

I am caught in a downward spiral of self-destruction. I do not deserve this life. I do not deserve happiness.

And one by one, I begin chipping away at this “happiness,” the lies that permeate my core being.

The first stage is denial.

My marriage is hanging on by a thin thread. J approaches me.

I cry. I have hurt him. I cry more.

He lifts the veil from my eyes. I see the truth. It has returned.

He urges me to seek help. He shoots the emails and sets up the appointment. He sits beside me at our first meeting.

I am no longer in denial.

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10 Responses to “Woke Up This Morning Afraid I Was Gonna Live”

  1. onigiriman says:

    * hug *

  2. Tara says:

    Aw, sweetie, sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Have been close enough to that place to know it probably seems things will never get better — but they WILL! Hope you’re feeling yourself again soon.

  3. annie says:

    *HUGS* if there is anything i can do, even if it’s hanging out and having lunch together please let me know. <3

  4. As someone who recently went through something like this and who, to a certain extent, is still going through it, I am sending good vibes your way. I hope things improve and that you start to feel like yourself again soon. *big hugs*

  5. Sherry says:

    Jenny, I’m so glad that you’re taking steps to deal with what’s happening. I know that there’s a fighter inside of you and that you will find the strength and the will to overcome all the dark thoughts. *HUG*

  6. Kasia Fink says:

    The fact you could write something so honest and touching tells me you are a strong woman inside. We’re here for you, girl. Just knock.

  7. Jenna says:

    This made me cry a little bit. My sister is marrying someone who doesn’t believe in depression. Told her to stop taking her meds (so she did). What will she do when this happens 3, 5 or 10 years down the road? She needs to have someone like J.

    I’m glad you do.

  8. Jen says:

    And now it is my turn to give you *HUGS*. I’m glad you have support and I think everything will be ok.

  9. This has been open in my browser for so long because I wanted to find the right words to say to you.

    I can’t! I just think you’re incredibly brave and incredibly strong for getting through it and I wish you a lot of healing light to make your journey easier this time. *hugs*

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